July 7, 2014
You guys, I am not ready for my senior year.
I feel like I have lost all of my brain cells this summer and I am going to fail miserably at all of my classes.
What if I don’t pass my senior comps? What if I don’t get As? What if I don’t graduate with honors? Does that make me lesser? Does that mean I’m not exceptionally smart?
Will I be a good MAC president? Will I have enough time to dedicate to it?
Will I have enough time to dedicate to myself?
Am I actually going to go abroad? Can I afford it? Will I be ok? Will I be completely culturally immersed?
What am I going to do after I graduate? Should I stay in school (even though I don’t think I want to)? Would I do well on the GRE?
Can I find a job after I graduate? Will I like it? Will I be good at it? Where am I going to live? Where will I be in 5 years?
Am I going to be ok?
As you can see, I am freaking the funk out. I don’t really know how to start tackling these problems, so I guess a good start is to purge all of said problems out on (virtual) paper.
Ugh. When did I even get here? If time keeps moving this fast I am going to vomit.
Any advice would be appreciated.
July 6, 2014
I am not dead.
I know I disappeared for 2 months but with reason. I finished my junior year of college, got mono (i.e. worst thing I have experienced ever), moved to a new house in North Manny for my senior year (!!!), and went back to work as the orientation assistant. All of my free time has been spent sleeping, watching TV, seeing people, and sleeping. A LOT of sleeping.
I missed blogging though, so I thought I would ease back into it with a survey. I know- I am sure you are super excited to read ;) Well, here goes nothing-
Name Your Favorite…
Person: Ummmm, people are my favorite in general and i don’t know If I can pick a favorite. So I am not going to. Let’s just say I am blessed to have an excess amount of great people in my life that make me happy.
Color: PINK! I also own way too many clothing items in black and gray.
Food: Peanut butter. Cereal. Breakfast food in general. American cheese. Kraft Deli Deluxe to be precise.
Smell: Fresh, clean sheets and blankets. Coffee. Cookies baking. The crisp smell in the air during the fall. Minty things.
Book: I read The Bell Jar this past semester and reallllyyyy liked it. I also love anytime a female comedian writes a book, for example, Tina Fey’s Bossypants and Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
Movie: The Devil Wears Prada. The Incredibles. The Wedding Singer. The Batman trilogy.
Time of day: The morning. I love sitting in my pajamas, sipping coffee, reading my blogs, and having the entire day ahead of me.
Day of the week: I like Friday nights, especially during the school year. It is the first time all week that I can usually breathe.
Things to do when bored: Pinterest. Eat. Buzzfeed. Eat. Creep on social media. Work out (although usually napping wins).
Celebrity: Meryl Streep! I LOVE MERYL. Alsooooo- Lauren Conrad, Ryan Gosling, and my bae- Rachel McAdams.
Drink: COFFEE. Water, Dark Chocolate Almond Milk, 2% milk, and Diet Ginger Ale.
TV show: The Mindy Project, Parks and Rec, Boy Meets World, Girls, New Girl, Friday Night Lights, and my forever fav- One Tree Hill
Fruit: I think I would have to say strawberries.
Vegetables: Broccoli. Baby carrots. Corn on the cob. Avocado (although that might be a fruit).
Store/shop: Target and Walgreen’s are my fav places ever. I also really love grocery stores and the mecca: Costco.
Workout: Since I loathe running, I would say I would rather do core stability stuff. I also like yoga-esque workouts.
Potato chip flavor: I am not a huge potato chip fan. I guess I would have to say Wavy Lay’s with cottage cheese to dip them in.
Meal of the day: BREAKFAST FOOD ALWAYS WIN.
Ice cream flavor: Anything chocolate-peanut buttery. Also, this-
Season: Autumn. Definitely autumn.
Dessert: Everything and anything. I am a big fan of cake (coconut, banana and pumpkin preferably) and fresh out of the oven cookies though.
May 5, 2014
So in my Expository and Critical Writing course, we read Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture, a book all the more literal when the professor found out he had terminal pancreatic cancer months before giving it.
In his last lecture, he told what was his most important wisdom- for his sake and for his young kids’ sakes. Now, I might not have had as much life experience as he did, but my classmates and I were still assigned to write our own last lecture. So, in a nutshell, this is what I have learned to be true:
There are two things I have learned so far in my life-
1) Accept the pain
2) You will always be right where you need to be.
These two pieces of wisdom go hand in hand for me. Once I accepted that the sad, painful parts in my life were worth something, that they led me to where I needed to be, I knew I could survive. I knew I could thrive. I know you can thrive.
Life sure is not easy, but isn’t that what makes it worth something?
I am only twenty-one, but I have had my fair share of hardships. I have dealt with emotional abuse, a broken family, near poverty, emotional sickness, self-loathing, loneliness, insecurities, physical illness (had by family members and myself), severe homesickness, betrayal and an all around sense of not feeling like I was supposed to be on this planet; that I was not supposed to be here, like I was some kind of mistake. At some points I thought I would always be sad. That it would never end. That I would not make it out.
I have learned though that neither mine nor your creation was an accident, and that every hardship makes the good experiences that much richer. Any time we struggle and fall down a dark, dark pit, it makes the peak that much greater. And it makes you that much stronger, that much more resilient. I am not saying that the low points are enjoyable by any stretch of the imagination, but in these times you can see how worthy you are. You learn that you are amazing. You learn to love and nurture yourself.
What do I recommend? Take the hard parts as they come because they are inevitable. Remember to trust that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, too. No matter how far you have fallen, you will get out. You have done it before. You will do it again.
Once you see this light, you will find solace in the fact that you are where you are supposed to be. You do not have to be religious but you can be faithful or hopeful in the fact that you are going to be where you are needed. Where you are appreciated.
So dream big. Be bold. Do what makes you happy and follow your heart’s passions. We are only here for such a short time that it is silly to do something that does not light you up. Learn what makes you better and do it. Because no matter what you will be in a good place. If you work hard enough, if you believe, it will all end up ok.
There is a reason that you are here. You are important. You touch so many others’ hearts. Know that your presence and life mean something and go be whatever it is that you are. You will not be ok…you will be great.
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
Currently, I’m in a period of pre-transition. I’ve set my goals, am working towards them, and am pretty confident in my ability to reach them. I’m also confident that once I’ve achieved said goals, I’ll be more 1) fulfilled and 2) happier. It’s a lovely little formula in which I place x and y, and out comes perfection.
Except when it doesn’t.
In fact, I follow the “rules” I set for my formula day in and day out. I make lists and check items off of them. I know that the items carry a weight in my life and that they are leading me where I want to go, but yet, it lacks something.
I used to think that the best way to let out emotions was to let off steam. When I was angry or frustrated, I would head to the gym and start lashing it out on the…
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April 27, 2014
I think I know why I have failed at love.
Love is something I can’t control. This is an issue for me.
I like to be in charge and I have high standards. That is not a problem when I am speaking in regard to myself. In fact, my type A personality has gotten me to where I am now, which I consider a pretty successful place. I work hard and organize and take charge and am rewarded accordingly.
Unfortunately, when it comes to someone else’s heart, these powers I possess are absolutely useless. Bonnie Raitt knew what was up when she sang “I can’t make you love me.” She can’t. I can’t. No one can. No one can make someone love a person. It has to happen organically, naturally. This is a problem. I can’t let things happen. I want to make things happen. I am straightforward and honest and headstrong and I don’t like to wait. Letting go and letting love find me is not advice that I can adhere to.
And what if I did? What if I let go and let life take over? Well then, I wouldn’t be me. Hannah and relax are two things that will never be synonymous, and the person (“my person”) would have to accept that. Isn’t that what love is anyway? Accepting a person for who they are and loving them for it. If I was to relax and let love just happen to me, then I would be dis-genuine. Things in my life don’t occur naturally.
So where does that put me? Well, to be blunt, it seems that I am in a lose-lose. I will never let love happen upon me, leaving me to a life of solitude (when it comes to romance). That being said, I guess I just want to know, will I be ok? If I am by myself for the rest of my life, am I going to be alright?
See human nature has this funny little way of making companionship a biological need. Innate to survival. Subsequently, I have this place inside that feels a bit empty. Sometimes I try to fill it with food or coffee but it achingly remains open. If I accept that it will always remain empty, that I will always be me, myself and I, will it hurt less?
Because I guess that is the worst part. Hurting for something that is never going to happen.
April 26, 2014
SO what if this is what I am doing on a Saturday night? I have a lot of emotions and issues I could talk about right now but chose to do a simple survey instead because I don’t know how to properly word/ am exhausted by my feelings. So, enjoy knowing a bit of trivial information about moi.
1. What brings you the greatest joy?
The most random things bring me joy. A good cup of coffee, finding the perfect song that you believe was written specifically for you, singing said song in your car, loudly, petting puppies or seeing happy babies, being in the city, having time to binge watch funny shows or read fashion magazines, and heartfelt conversations with people I love where I feel truly understood bring me joy.
2. What are your vices?
Sweets. Self-deprecating. Laying in bed and not talking to anyone.
3. What is on your nightstand?
A polka-dot lamp, Aleve, a hair tie, a limoncello candle and coconut lotion from Bath and Body Works, a notepad and pen to write late night, anxiety inducing “can’t forget to do” tasks on, and photos of some of my loves.
4. Do you have a secret talent?
I can’t keep secrets BUT my talents include doing the splits, touching my tongue to my nose, and doing foreign accents.
5. What is your greatest indulgence?
My greatest indulgence is loafing. I LOVE sitting in bed and browsing the internet for hours.
6. What should every woman try at least once in her life?
Living with a group of friends. Having a house off-campus this year has changed me and made me realize a lot about myself and those around me. I am grateful to have had this experience.
7. What makes you laugh?
Everything. My co-workers. friends, strangers, the Internet, myself. I am laughing right now.
8. What is one thing people would be surprised to know about you?
Like I said, I can’t keep secrets, but I guess there are a few things that are significant about me that I don’t disclose always. One, I had a tumor on my parotid gland removed the summer before I came to college. Then, that sparked me to lose 50 pounds my freshman year (pics are from senior year of HS and my 21st bday a couple weeks ago)…
9. What is on your bucket list?
I want to live in a brownstone and work in the city. I want a French Bulldog. I want to see Fleetwood Mac in concert. I want to go cruising in a big ol’ ship with my mom and besties. I want to study abroad. I want to go to a cafe in Paris. I want to see the tulips in Holland. I want to be successful and fulfilled.
10. What is on your feet right now?
11. How did you make your first dollar?
I made my first real dollar working at Schoop’s Hamburgers as a busser. I was 14.
12. What superstition do you believe in?
I try to not step on cracks. I also make wishes and kiss something red at 11:11.
13. What items in your closet do you wear the most?
I wear a lot of black. I like big sweaters, especially this cozy white fisherman’s sweater that I love (that looks like the one below but I swear it is not for a dude). I also wear a lot of dresses and scarves. I try to not wear the same complete, head-to-toe outfit twice.
14. What is the best gift you’ve ever received?
I LOVE and keep any heartfelt card I get and that is the absolute best gift I can receive. As for material gifts, I have been spoiled in my life. My favorite gift though is a diamond ring I got from my mom for my 14th birthday.
15. What is on your liquor shelf?
Ummmm the shelf designated to booze in my fridge includes Light White Peach ready-to-drink margarita (which I bought… I am really 21!) and Barefoot Moscato.
16. What is on your kitchen counter?
The kitchen counter I share with my 5 housemates includes my mini red Keurig, a microwave, a toaster, a dish dryer, a coffee pot, coffee, and someone’s peanut butter.
17. What would you never leave home without?
My phone. Lipsmacker. Coffee/water. Food.
18. What movie has the greatest ending?
I LOVE the ending to Down to You. Early 00s rom-coms really get me.
* Sixteen Candles is a close runner up.
19. Who is on the guest list for your ideal dinner party?
Diane Keaton. Amy Poehler. Tina Fey. Mindy Kaling. Jimmy Fallon. Justin Timberlake. Lena Dunham. Lorne Michaels. Lucille Ball. Ryan Gosling. young Robert Redford. and Lana Del Rey would perform in the background with Fleetwood Mac, Amy Winehouse and Adele. Obvi, it would be a catered event. I can’t cook.
20. What is one thing you wish you had known when you were younger?
ummm, I am still young and look up inspirational life advice on the daily. PLEASE feel free to enlighten me.
April 8, 2014
Let me preface this post by saying that anything I write and post is done for my benefit; I have no side intentions when I pour my heart out on virtual paper. I do so because I get to points in my life where I feel like I am going to crumble from everything weighing on me and the only way I know how to temporarily internally cleanse is through words. Why I post these publicly, I do not know? I guess I hope people can relate or read and better understand me (although I don’t even understand me). Anyway, I am not seeking anything from these posts but healing.
That being said, I am currently stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am finally on the right path and am becoming secure in who I am. The struggle? I am disappointed with who I am. Let me explain. I have had identity issues for awhile. It is the equivalent of looking in a mirror and seeing a goat instead of my reflection. To simplify, I view myself in a warped way. Lately though I have started seeing things that resemble me in the mirror. I have started being ok with what I see in the mirror. I have become more settled in my own skin.
Comfort is so fleeting though.
No longer am I disgusted with the way I look but I am starting to reject and loathe my inside, my soul. It appears that the turmoil is settling and I am disappointed with the wreckage that is my soul. No longer is it am I fat, but worse: Am I a good, worthy human being? I look at others and what they have done and who they are and I am jealous. I view my friends and those around me in such high regard and I am realizing that I will never be them. Instead, I am a burden. I feel exhausted and drained and like a weight but at the same time I feel hollow inside. I am a bag of contradictory feelings. Like I said, I am becoming aware of this and conscious that this is what I am (which is good because I have spent a lot of time running from what I am) but at the same time, it sucks. It is like, this is who I am? Couldn’t I be a bit more extraordinary? A bit more brilliant? A bit more stable?
I have finally discovered who I am and am disappointed at the outcome. How do I get to a better place?
March 13, 2014
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel.
I know that is a bold statement, but it is the truth. I would gladly give up experiencing happiness if it meant I no longer had to suffer through heart-wrenching pain and sadness, which unfortunately for me is the emotion that occurs more often. Now, if you have read this blog before, you know that I suffer from depression. It sucks. Sometimes, though, I am not experiencing my sadness. One of my best friends told me that I am tender-hearted and I take on other’s pain. I believe she is right. I am the ultimate definition of sensitive and emotional. This makes it hard to function.
I feel like I am a wound. Sometimes I scab up and think that I am almost healed, and then something happens. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen directly to me, though. It can be a bad day for my mom or a hard situation for a friend, etc. and it RIPS me open. No longer am I a scab, but I am a full on open wound. I am vulnerable. I am in pain. I am hurting. Hurting for others. Hurting for myself. Hurting because my naive ideals are non-existent. Hurting because people aren’t perfect. Hurting because others are going to disappoint you. Hurting because life is not what you might have planned. I hurt and I bleed out. Eventually though I clean up. I bandage the wound. My patched up self takes on the world. I lead, I am involved. I succeed.
Then, the band aid falls off, and for awhile I think I am going to be fine. I am going to heal.
Until someone, whether that is a stranger or a friend or myself, unintentionally or intentionally rips the scab off. And the process starts all over. And I think to myself, will it ever mend? And even if it does, will the scars it undoubtedly leaves be any easier to deal with? I guess I just need thicker, tougher skin.
February 18, 2014
I am convinced spring isn’t coming. Like, 100% sure of it. We are going to have all of this snow and then it is going to melt and we are going to need an ark because we are all done for. Just kidding. Kind of. Sorry to be pessimistic.
I will not complain about the sunshine though. I think I needed Vitamin D in a bad way because my mood has definitely been lifted. I am in a good place. I am content.
Because I have nothing exciting to share, I thought I would list some things that I have been loving lately:
1) This movie was on Netflix, and it was SO good. One of the nest movies I have seen in awhile. It is so real. I laughed. I cried. I thoroughly enjoyed the soundtrack. There is at least one character in the movie everyone can relate to. I highly recommend it.
2) Rudi’s Gluten Free bread is my new love. I have had stomach issues for awhile and finally decided to follow in my housemate’s footsteps and give up the gluten. I feel a lot better. Plus, I am not having carb withdrawals because this stuff is good. Cinnamon raisin is my ish.
3) JOHN LEGEND. I am in love with him, and get to see him in Indy on May 9th! I really hope his wife comes too because she is hilarious and I feel like we would get along. Follow her on twitter @chrissyteigen if you like animal photos and food.
Random I know, but I felt like I needed to write a post. Off to work now. Happy Tuesday.
February 2, 2014
The month of romance and candy and roses and drug store jewelry purchases. Thank God it is only a month of 28 days.
Instead of focusing on typical relationships though, I thought of the relationship I have with myself and who I am as a person. The comedian we had at our school said something very poignant last night in which he claimed that the world puts the idea in your head that you need someone. That you are an incomplete person without someone. That in order to be a full human being you must be someone’s better half. I agree that this idea is perpetuated by our surroundings. Movies, music, books- they all usually focus on love. it is hard to find a song that is about a single person doing some mundane task like grocery shopping. That doesn’t sell. Sex does. Love does. People want to be loved. It is hard for me to make a decision on whether or not I agree with the comedian’s claim. While I do feel that society has made those that are alone (by choice or not) feel like a lesser human, I do feel as if that it is in your biological nature to crave love and companionship. So I guess I am at a happy medium, not only where I stand with his statement but where I am in my life. I obviously have the need to be loved and love, but no longer am I making it my focus of thought. Mostly because I am busy right now. Busy trying to heal and become a whole person on my own so when the time comes for me to be part of a duo, I don’t enter the relationship shattered and jagged to my partner.
Like romantic love and its requirement that it involves more than one human being in order to work, becoming who I am is not something that happened on its own. My identity was and is not something that I create alone. While some say that we should not listen to others and we are who we are, independent of what is around us, I say that is bull. My identity is not so much an action but a reaction to the things I have dealt with in my life, and when people say that loving ourself is number one, it is not so simple. Who I am is an effect of so much more than just causes I made. Loving myself involves so much more than what it appears to portray because myself is a response to relationships I have had and have, struggles I deal with and much more. And because myself is a thing that is ever evolving, it gets tricky. For example, a lot of who I am is my personality, but the thing about my personality is that it was built as a tool of self-defense. I am funny and loud because those things overpowered what I looked like on the outside. Self-deprecation became my thing. Now, I am thinner and the vessel that holds my soul has physically changed but the self that was built around those things remains the same and that self is so much more different than the one 5 years prior. It is confusing.
I guess what I am trying to say is that February, the month of love, which includes self love, has me thinking. Self love is interesting because your self changes. How can you love the self you are now if you never loved the self you were before?