April 8, 2014
Let me preface this post by saying that anything I write and post is done for my benefit; I have no side intentions when I pour my heart out on virtual paper. I do so because I get to points in my life where I feel like I am going to crumble from everything weighing on me and the only way I know how to temporarily internally cleanse is through words. Why I post these publicly, I do not know? I guess I hope people can relate or read and better understand me (although I don’t even understand me). Anyway, I am not seeking anything from these posts but healing.
That being said, I am currently stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am finally on the right path and am becoming secure in who I am. The struggle? I am disappointed with who I am. Let me explain. I have had identity issues for awhile. It is the equivalent of looking in a mirror and seeing a goat instead of my reflection. To simplify, I view myself in a warped way. Lately though I have started seeing things that resemble me in the mirror. I have started being ok with what I see in the mirror. I have become more settled in my own skin.
Comfort is so fleeting though.
No longer am I disgusted with the way I look but I am starting to reject and loathe my inside, my soul. It appears that the turmoil is settling and I am disappointed with the wreckage that is my soul. No longer is it am I fat, but worse: Am I a good, worthy human being? I look at others and what they have done and who they are and I am jealous. I view my friends and those around me in such high regard and I am realizing that I will never be them. Instead, I am a burden. I feel exhausted and drained and like a weight but at the same time I feel hollow inside. I am a bag of contradictory feelings. Like I said, I am becoming aware of this and conscious that this is what I am (which is good because I have spent a lot of time running from what I am) but at the same time, it sucks. It is like, this is who I am? Couldn’t I be a bit more extraordinary? A bit more brilliant? A bit more stable?
I have finally discovered who I am and am disappointed at the outcome. How do I get to a better place?
March 13, 2014
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel.
I know that is a bold statement, but it is the truth. I would gladly give up experiencing happiness if it meant I no longer had to suffer through heart-wrenching pain and sadness, which unfortunately for me is the emotion that occurs more often. Now, if you have read this blog before, you know that I suffer from depression. It sucks. Sometimes, though, I am not experiencing my sadness. One of my best friends told me that I am tender-hearted and I take on other’s pain. I believe she is right. I am the ultimate definition of sensitive and emotional. This makes it hard to function.
I feel like I am a wound. Sometimes I scab up and think that I am almost healed, and then something happens. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen directly to me, though. It can be a bad day for my mom or a hard situation for a friend, etc. and it RIPS me open. No longer am I a scab, but I am a full on open wound. I am vulnerable. I am in pain. I am hurting. Hurting for others. Hurting for myself. Hurting because my naive ideals are non-existent. Hurting because people aren’t perfect. Hurting because others are going to disappoint you. Hurting because life is not what you might have planned. I hurt and I bleed out. Eventually though I clean up. I bandage the wound. My patched up self takes on the world. I lead, I am involved. I succeed.
Then, the band aid falls off, and for awhile I think I am going to be fine. I am going to heal.
Until someone, whether that is a stranger or a friend or myself, unintentionally or intentionally rips the scab off. And the process starts all over. And I think to myself, will it ever mend? And even if it does, will the scars it undoubtedly leaves be any easier to deal with? I guess I just need thicker, tougher skin.
February 18, 2014
I am convinced spring isn’t coming. Like, 100% sure of it. We are going to have all of this snow and then it is going to melt and we are going to need an ark because we are all done for. Just kidding. Kind of. Sorry to be pessimistic.
I will not complain about the sunshine though. I think I needed Vitamin D in a bad way because my mood has definitely been lifted. I am in a good place. I am content.
Because I have nothing exciting to share, I thought I would list some things that I have been loving lately:
1) This movie was on Netflix, and it was SO good. One of the nest movies I have seen in awhile. It is so real. I laughed. I cried. I thoroughly enjoyed the soundtrack. There is at least one character in the movie everyone can relate to. I highly recommend it.
2) Rudi’s Gluten Free bread is my new love. I have had stomach issues for awhile and finally decided to follow in my housemate’s footsteps and give up the gluten. I feel a lot better. Plus, I am not having carb withdrawals because this stuff is good. Cinnamon raisin is my ish.
3) JOHN LEGEND. I am in love with him, and get to see him in Indy on May 9th! I really hope his wife comes too because she is hilarious and I feel like we would get along. Follow her on twitter @chrissyteigen if you like animal photos and food.
Random I know, but I felt like I needed to write a post. Off to work now. Happy Tuesday.
February 2, 2014
The month of romance and candy and roses and drug store jewelry purchases. Thank God it is only a month of 28 days.
Instead of focusing on typical relationships though, I thought of the relationship I have with myself and who I am as a person. The comedian we had at our school said something very poignant last night in which he claimed that the world puts the idea in your head that you need someone. That you are an incomplete person without someone. That in order to be a full human being you must be someone’s better half. I agree that this idea is perpetuated by our surroundings. Movies, music, books- they all usually focus on love. it is hard to find a song that is about a single person doing some mundane task like grocery shopping. That doesn’t sell. Sex does. Love does. People want to be loved. It is hard for me to make a decision on whether or not I agree with the comedian’s claim. While I do feel that society has made those that are alone (by choice or not) feel like a lesser human, I do feel as if that it is in your biological nature to crave love and companionship. So I guess I am at a happy medium, not only where I stand with his statement but where I am in my life. I obviously have the need to be loved and love, but no longer am I making it my focus of thought. Mostly because I am busy right now. Busy trying to heal and become a whole person on my own so when the time comes for me to be part of a duo, I don’t enter the relationship shattered and jagged to my partner.
Like romantic love and its requirement that it involves more than one human being in order to work, becoming who I am is not something that happened on its own. My identity was and is not something that I create alone. While some say that we should not listen to others and we are who we are, independent of what is around us, I say that is bull. My identity is not so much an action but a reaction to the things I have dealt with in my life, and when people say that loving ourself is number one, it is not so simple. Who I am is an effect of so much more than just causes I made. Loving myself involves so much more than what it appears to portray because myself is a response to relationships I have had and have, struggles I deal with and much more. And because myself is a thing that is ever evolving, it gets tricky. For example, a lot of who I am is my personality, but the thing about my personality is that it was built as a tool of self-defense. I am funny and loud because those things overpowered what I looked like on the outside. Self-deprecation became my thing. Now, I am thinner and the vessel that holds my soul has physically changed but the self that was built around those things remains the same and that self is so much more different than the one 5 years prior. It is confusing.
I guess what I am trying to say is that February, the month of love, which includes self love, has me thinking. Self love is interesting because your self changes. How can you love the self you are now if you never loved the self you were before?
January 1, 2014
2014 is finally here. Finally? Well, 14 is the lucky number my mom and I share, so I am convinced that this will be my, our, year. It has to be.
If you have read my blog before or know me, you know that I am a very layered person. I can put on the go-getter pants and be outgoing and funny and loud, but deep down I am a very afraid person. So much so that it is crippling. I doubt myself. I get sad. I become unhappy. It is a tough road and a road that I have yet to exit off of.
I have a small comfort zone. This has caused issues for me. Coming to Manchester was and still is one of the most exhausting decisions for me. I cry thinking I have to go back tomorrow. Now, it sounds silly because I have a great life there, but my anxiety gets the best of me. I was homesick my freshman year; I missed familiarity in my life. Then, I doubted if Manchester was the school for me. I hate its location. I felt I needed bigger, but then, I felt like I needed home. Now that I am nearing the end, I still don’t know if it is right for me. I still get the urge to leave. It is mostly fear based. I am nervous to start my internship. I am nervous to graduate. The career aspirations I have made I want are far fetched and lofty. I want and will need to move to a big city but that is easier said than done. I crave a specific life but being alone makes it daunting. I don’t know if I have it in me.
I may sound like a spoiled brat because I am having an anxiety attack over “good” things. The fact that I get to go to school is amazing. I get that. I am thankful. This doesn’t mean I am happy or I enjoy it though. And, it isn’t because of homework or lack of sleep, but because it is hard to enjoy anything when I have such an uneasy soul. Now, that may sound very yoga-ish of me, but it is the only way I know how to describe it. I have so much internal turmoil that I am never at rest. That makes it hard to be in the moment, to enjoy and seize the day.
I want 2014 to be my year. I want it to be the year that all of my emotional wounds close. I want it to be the year that I feel like I kind of have it together. I know this won’t magically happen. I know I need to work to fix myself and to fix my life. I need to have less fear. I need to find peace. I just don’t know how…
My resolution is a tough one, that’s for sure.
Happy New Year xoxo
December 26, 2013
Is there a greater pain than having feelings for someone and not having them returned? To one minute be floating and the next you have sunken so low it seems impossible to get up. Love and lust and romance are funny. They have this way of hitting you and hitting you hard. They instantly take up your entire mind and spread to your entire body, wrapping you up in this blanket, consuming you entirely. I think it is because they give you the false hope that maybe, for one minute, you are no longer alone; that the world won’t seem so unbearable because someone is right beside you, but that feeling of security and adoration is stripped away when you realize that you were the one that cared more. All of these ideas of dates and thoughtful text messages and flowers and sheer happiness do not exist anymore. What you felt was not equally reciprocated. And not only is that painful, but it is embarrassing. It is numbing. It kills. It is a pain that cannot be healed with a band aid. A heart wound bleeds and bleeds, and you feel like nothing. You want to become nothing. You can’t sleep it off. You can’t talk it out. You don’t want to continue living a life in which no one loves you. But you have to continue to function because lovesickness isn’t an illness or pain that can be physically seen. No, you don’t get a sick day or admittance to the hospital because your heart hurts. The world tells you to keep going, that heartbreak is part of life, and eventually the bleeding pain will stop. Meanwhile the other person is fine. Unaffected. Distant from the damage that he or she has caused. But you’re told that the heart will mend. Until the next time, and there is always a next time, that you are allured into a false sense of romance and security. And it isn’t fair. And it isn’t explicable. Believe me. I have always been alone. Why? I have no clue. I have no idea why I haven’t had someone enter my life that will cherish and care for me in a way that no one ever has. And this aloneness is never easy. Solitude is what I have only ever known, but it doesn’t stop hurting. The invisible but always present knife in my chest doesn’t ever stop plunging deeper. And that horrific pain? That is how I know that love is a powerful thing. Although I have never loved or been loved, I know how fucking awful life is without it. The sense of loneliness. The sense of feeling worthless. It is powerful and heart wrenching and miserable. So believe me, I know how awful love can be. “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” is so true. I have these scars and not one damn thing to show for it.
November 14, 2013
It is unfortunate that one of the very few certainties in life is that we won’t live forever. We live in a world full of turmoil, constantly stressing about things that, when faced with losing someone, seem so stupid. It is shame that we aren’t truly enveloped by this idea that we only are here for one lifetime until the mortality of someone close to us is slapped in our face.
Now some people may hold the belief that when we pass, our true self, our soul, is taken to a place of non-suffering, and that in itself is extremely comforting. It does not erase the miserable, unfairness of it though, especially when someone so young is taken. Death causes a chain reaction. It hurts the people immediately close to the soul that has left, but also affects the people in the second ring, those who are close to said family or friends. It is a miserable thing to not be able to fix something. There are things in life that only time can heal, but that makes a person feel helpless. Eventually though, the wound starts to close and your heart starts to mend, but you are never truly the same; how could you be?
There is no explanation as to why a person leaves us, especially when a person is so incredibly young. I like to think that is because God needed them to be an angel more than the people on Earth needed them. No matter what though, mortality is something that is very real and something that draws on all of one’s emotions, yet it teaches us to live to the fullest everyday. When it is your time to go, you will have wished you loved as hard as you could and did something that made you feel whole, because every life is worth something extraordinary.
Rest in peace, Joe
My heart is with all who loved and cared for him.
October 22, 2013
It must be so nice to devote your precious time and energy to something other than the trivial pest of physical appearance, weight in particular. I am not being sarcastic at all when I say just how jealous I am of those who are confident and don’t give how much they weigh more than a minute of their time. Forgive me for being a repetitive downer because I know I have blogged about body image before, but for something that is constantly at the front of the brain, I feel as if I can validate talking about it again. I also know I have blogged about being positive and loving myself before, too, and sound like a flake for pouring my heart out, but guess what: I am human and this is one of my biggest flaws.
I won’t take all of the blame though. If I am being brutally truthful, I attribute this issue to some members of my family. As a child, my weight should have NEVER been discussed. Then, growing up into a young woman, it once again should have NEVER been a topic of conversation. I won’t pin my low self-esteem on others though, for I have made this a bigger problem than it needs to be. I am smart and know I am smart so if someone said I was stupid, it would suck, but I wouldn’t let that thought consume me. I have good hair, so if someone said that my hair was frizzy and nappy, it would hurt but once again wouldn’t consume me and keep me up at night. For some reason though, the way my body looks is always on my mind, and ashamedly I will admit, I think it is because I have never experienced true romantic love.
Yeah yeah, I am independent and portray this outgoing, leader persona in my professional life, but never having been loved (including never having loved yourself) fucks a person up real good, and it is getting to the point where I think I am stuck like this. Now excuse me for being personal and putting this on a blog, and you can think what you want, but just know that while I am extreme, I know I am not the only person that deals with this. That reasons my singlehood and self-consciousness for the number on my pant tag.
I know I sound ridiculously dumb. I know what I am saying and feeling is absolutely ridiculous, but it was if my brain is wired wrong and I can’t stop. And I am sorry but my faulty brain doesn’t understand the notion of loving yourself and that leads to someone else loving you. How am I supposed to know I am worthy if no one has ever told me or shown me otherwise? It doesn’t make sense! So yeah, I guess I am letting my happiness be dependent on someone else, which once again, is fucked up. I don’t know how to fix it though. I do know that I wake up some days instantly pissed off for what I see in the mirror. This has to stop. I also know I put way too much importance in being in a relationship, but when shit like this is all over your Pinterest:
It makes it difficult.
October 20, 2013
What is it like to not feel gray?
I mean, while everyone else appears to be black or white, I am stuck in this in-between; it is a numbness that I can’t seem to shake.
Lately, I feel as if I am just doing the motions: nothing more, nothing less. It is as if the spark that drove me to the want of success, of health, of vividness, has been completely put out. I am not happy and I am not sad, but I am also not content. I feel like I am not enough, that I will never be enough, and that I am just skirting by.
The thought of my future exhausts me, and I lack the motivation right now to overcompensate for my lack of energy. I truly do not know where this sense of “blah” came from but I don’t know how to fix it, and as someone who likes to be in control, I am struggling. It isn’t like I haven’t dealt with emotional crashes in the past because Lord knows I have had at least 3 pre-quarter life crises, but this is different. I am not super emotional, instead I am on auto-pilot.
I think I will be ok, but right now I am out of fuel Wouldn’t you be too if you were never quite good enough; always giving but never getting?
Growing up sucks.
September 15, 2013
Well, I just had my blogging anniversary. It has been two whole years since I first set electronic pen to electronic paper. In that time, I feel as if more people have gotten to see the hot mess I am spilled out into writing, forever circling around in the webosphere. But in honor of sharing parts of my life through blogging for the past two years, I decided I would write a list of things I would like to accomplish in the next two years, and then I can look back at this in 2015 and see what I achieved. soooooooo,
HANNAH’S LIST OF THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH BY SEPTEMBER OF 2015:
1) Graduate from Manchester! WOOP.
2) Adopt Napoleon, my dream Frenchie
3) Go on a real vacation (ideally Paris or Hawaii or New York)
4) Either be working in the city or attending graduate school i.e. doing something productive
5) Attend Lollapalooza again in addition to seeing any of the following live: John Legend, Fleetwood Mac, Britney Spears, Gavin Degraw and Michael Buble
6) Run a 10K
7) Have a garden and grow vegetables and herbs
8) Find and reupholster a vintage couch to put in the living room of my own personal apartment
9) Make every single recipe I have pinned on my Pinterest
10) Do some volunteer work with animals and/or donate to ASPCA, WWF, etc… SAVE THE ELEPHANTS