November 14, 2013
It is unfortunate that one of the very few certainties in life is that we won’t live forever. We live in a world full of turmoil, constantly stressing about things that, when faced with losing someone, seem so stupid. It is shame that we aren’t truly enveloped by this idea that we only are here for one lifetime until the mortality of someone close to us is slapped in our face.
Now some people may hold the belief that when we pass, our true self, our soul, is taken to a place of non-suffering, and that in itself is extremely comforting. It does not erase the miserable, unfairness of it though, especially when someone so young is taken. Death causes a chain reaction. It hurts the people immediately close to the soul that has left, but also affects the people in the second ring, those who are close to said family or friends. It is a miserable thing to not be able to fix something. There are things in life that only time can heal, but that makes a person feel helpless. Eventually though, the wound starts to close and your heart starts to mend, but you are never truly the same; how could you be?
There is no explanation as to why a person leaves us, especially when a person is so incredibly young. I like to think that is because God needed them to be an angel more than the people on Earth needed them. No matter what though, mortality is something that is very real and something that draws on all of one’s emotions, yet it teaches us to live to the fullest everyday. When it is your time to go, you will have wished you loved as hard as you could and did something that made you feel whole, because every life is worth something extraordinary.
Rest in peace, Joe
My heart is with all who loved and cared for him.
October 22, 2013
It must be so nice to devote your precious time and energy to something other than the trivial pest of physical appearance, weight in particular. I am not being sarcastic at all when I say just how jealous I am of those who are confident and don’t give how much they weigh more than a minute of their time. Forgive me for being a repetitive downer because I know I have blogged about body image before, but for something that is constantly at the front of the brain, I feel as if I can validate talking about it again. I also know I have blogged about being positive and loving myself before, too, and sound like a flake for pouring my heart out, but guess what: I am human and this is one of my biggest flaws.
I won’t take all of the blame though. If I am being brutally truthful, I attribute this issue to some members of my family. As a child, my weight should have NEVER been discussed. Then, growing up into a young woman, it once again should have NEVER been a topic of conversation. I won’t pin my low self-esteem on others though, for I have made this a bigger problem than it needs to be. I am smart and know I am smart so if someone said I was stupid, it would suck, but I wouldn’t let that thought consume me. I have good hair, so if someone said that my hair was frizzy and nappy, it would hurt but once again wouldn’t consume me and keep me up at night. For some reason though, the way my body looks is always on my mind, and ashamedly I will admit, I think it is because I have never experienced true romantic love.
Yeah yeah, I am independent and portray this outgoing, leader persona in my professional life, but never having been loved (including never having loved yourself) fucks a person up real good, and it is getting to the point where I think I am stuck like this. Now excuse me for being personal and putting this on a blog, and you can think what you want, but just know that while I am extreme, I know I am not the only person that deals with this. That reasons my singlehood and self-consciousness for the number on my pant tag.
I know I sound ridiculously dumb. I know what I am saying and feeling is absolutely ridiculous, but it was if my brain is wired wrong and I can’t stop. And I am sorry but my faulty brain doesn’t understand the notion of loving yourself and that leads to someone else loving you. How am I supposed to know I am worthy if no one has ever told me or shown me otherwise? It doesn’t make sense! So yeah, I guess I am letting my happiness be dependent on someone else, which once again, is fucked up. I don’t know how to fix it though. I do know that I wake up some days instantly pissed off for what I see in the mirror. This has to stop. I also know I put way too much importance in being in a relationship, but when shit like this is all over your Pinterest:
It makes it difficult.
October 20, 2013
What is it like to not feel gray?
I mean, while everyone else appears to be black or white, I am stuck in this in-between; it is a numbness that I can’t seem to shake.
Lately, I feel as if I am just doing the motions: nothing more, nothing less. It is as if the spark that drove me to the want of success, of health, of vividness, has been completely put out. I am not happy and I am not sad, but I am also not content. I feel like I am not enough, that I will never be enough, and that I am just skirting by.
The thought of my future exhausts me, and I lack the motivation right now to overcompensate for my lack of energy. I truly do not know where this sense of “blah” came from but I don’t know how to fix it, and as someone who likes to be in control, I am struggling. It isn’t like I haven’t dealt with emotional crashes in the past because Lord knows I have had at least 3 pre-quarter life crises, but this is different. I am not super emotional, instead I am on auto-pilot.
I think I will be ok, but right now I am out of fuel Wouldn’t you be too if you were never quite good enough; always giving but never getting?
Growing up sucks.
September 15, 2013
Well, I just had my blogging anniversary. It has been two whole years since I first set electronic pen to electronic paper. In that time, I feel as if more people have gotten to see the hot mess I am spilled out into writing, forever circling around in the webosphere. But in honor of sharing parts of my life through blogging for the past two years, I decided I would write a list of things I would like to accomplish in the next two years, and then I can look back at this in 2015 and see what I achieved. soooooooo,
HANNAH’S LIST OF THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH BY SEPTEMBER OF 2015:
1) Graduate from Manchester! WOOP.
2) Adopt Napoleon, my dream Frenchie
3) Go on a real vacation (ideally Paris or Hawaii or New York)
4) Either be working in the city or attending graduate school i.e. doing something productive
5) Attend Lollapalooza again in addition to seeing any of the following live: John Legend, Fleetwood Mac, Britney Spears, Gavin Degraw and Michael Buble
6) Run a 10K
7) Have a garden and grow vegetables and herbs
8) Find and reupholster a vintage couch to put in the living room of my own personal apartment
9) Make every single recipe I have pinned on my Pinterest
10) Do some volunteer work with animals and/or donate to ASPCA, WWF, etc… SAVE THE ELEPHANTS
August 12, 2013
Well, I have debated whether or not I would post this, but I figured, why not? I don’t have anything to lose, and writing is cathartic.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. It seems weird writing that, and it is even weirder that in 2013 I still have to feel ashamed of that statement, that these illnesses aren’t viewed like other chronic problems like Lou Gehrig’s or Crohn’s.
It is a disease. It is something uncontrollable. No, it isn’t something that can be cured if “I get out more”. And, no, I am not just an overdramatic teen, because I have had this from before I can even remember. Medicine can help and it can usually be swept under the rug, but sometimes, like any other bad illness, it can flare up and only time and prayers can help.
This might be hard to understand, especially if you don’t suffer, but this disease makes it really hard to know and live out happiness. People have asked me why I am such a miserable person, but it is not like I choose that path. Who in their right mind would want that? To live a life where it is impossible to love yourself? To cry and not even be able to pinpoint the cause? Of course these side-effects happen at my absolute worst of times, but they are still something I have to endure and have to be accepted by those close to me. Sometimes I will sink into a hole and struggle and be sad and nothing can make it better, but that does not mean that I don’t appreciate your help. Or that I am just a selfish bitch who wants attention. I realize it makes me hard to love, but these things just happen. And I am used to it by now.
Why do I suffer from this? I don’t know. And I realize that I might sound like a brat because I could have it much much worse. Believe me, I understand that and am thankful, but it is still hard when you can’t live in the present. I am so scared that I will be on my deathbed and have many regrets because I didn’t enjoy life, but in all reality, I don’t know how.
All I do know is that, this is a part of me that I am still trying to understand. It is a part of me that puts up walls between others.
I just hope that I can keep coping. I hope that I am doing the right thing and am in the right place at this point in time. And, I hope that someday it gets easier.
August 2, 2013
1) Today marks the day my grandfather and my beloved dog entered this world. One is turning 69, the other 4. You can guess which age belongs to which creature. All I know, is that these 2 are in my top 10 favorites so August 2 is KIND OF a big deal.
2) Call me crazy, but I LOVE going to the grocery store. Like, today I stopped in the store for one specific thing, a banana cake, but made the trip a half hour perusal of Jewel’s bakery. I had to pull myself out of there after a few salespeople asked if I needed anything. It probably made them uncomfortable that I browsed every table of baked goods multiple times, so I did them a favor and left. But guess what? I WILL BE BACK. Grocery stores are the home to food which is the filler of my heart.
3) I have decided that I am in love with the idea of love. Solution? Less romantic comedies, and more morbid, meth making Breaking Bad. Thanks Netflix.
4) I am really upset that I am not at Lollapalooza this year. Mainly because I am missing a crap ton of great acts, but also because I REALLY wanted to rock a flower crown this summer and don’t see that being socially acceptable anywhere else. Plus, I really wanted to rub (sweaty) elbows with all of the famous people that are there such as Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad (notice new obsession forming). Not like they would be in the peasant cluster with stoned hippies invading their personal space, but I like to believe that we might have casually bumped into each other while waiting to get a soft pretzel and instantly fallen in love.
**SORRY. I see that happen a lot in rom-coms.
5) Is it just me or is the sound of rain the absolute best thing in the world? I hope to live in a place where it rains 87% of the time. The other 13% must be ridiculously dry so flowers can bloom. (I am not a horticulturist but I feel as if that ratio permits blossoming).
6) I am scared that I did not make the right choice when it comes to my major or my career dreams. I feel like maybe I should have gone for something more reliable?
7) I have a Starbucks gift card burning a hole in my pocket and am happy to be in an area where Starbucks are abundant. Needless to say, it will be spent tomorrow. Any suggestions on what to get?
8) I am Type A and LOVE creating lists. Like, I am so excited for school to start so I can start making lists in my planner. I am just so excited for a new planner!
Summary, I am an OCD weirdo, but I hope it is in an endearing way.
July 25, 2013
So as I have previously stated, this has been the first summer that I haven’t lived at home. I am living in a house, being all working young-adult, and it has been a great experience. Being alone has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on life. So I thought I would compile a list of the most important things I have learned from this summer of self-discovery…
1) No matter how adult you may be, one of the best feelings in the world is having your mom around when you are sick.
-To my advantage, when I went home for a few weeks of vacation time, a death virus hit me, and it hit me HARD. Luckily though, I was home with my mama. Now I am self-sufficient, but there is something so soothing about being around my mom when I don’t feel good. So, thanks madre (and FYI, you must always live near me so someone will bring me soup when I am ill).
2) Crushes are fun but be wary.
- There is nothing wrong with having excitement over a new person you can text or snapchat but guard your heart. 99.9% of the time, I have lusted over guys who end up being tools. I guess what I am saying is, don’t let these infatuations consume your thoughts. It is not worth it. You are incredible as is and if that person wants you in their life, they WILL make it happen. If not, listen to a sad song, cry, brush it off, and move on. Have faith in God that there is someone so much better for you ahead. If not, there is this thing called a pet. Or food. Both suffice.
3) Be appreciative.
-Every day I read something and it puts my life into perspective. If you have shelter, education, health and food, you are so GOLDEN. Remember that.
4) You can’t force butterflies.
-I went on a date and felt like such a dick because the guy was so nice, but I just didn’t get that nervous, excited feeling. I went back and forth, wondering if I should give it another try, but ultimately trusted my gut and declined. Does that make me shallow? No. The romantic connection was not there, and if I am going to risk my heart, I deserve those fireworks. And he deserves to have somebody that gets those fireworks.
5) Do what is right for you.
-I have been blessed with the most amazing friends and anytime I am feeling insecure and having a breakdown, you know what they all tell me? Who cares what others think!? The only way to really, truly be happy is to be you and fuck everyone else’s opinions. Oh, it isn’t cool by society’s standards to love cats. SCREW OFF. I am obsessed with my kittens. They make me happy. Oh, it isn’t cool to be a girl and cuss? Get over it. At least I am not doing crack/cocaine. Bottom line: there is only one you in this world, so flaunt it. You aren’t going to reach your full potential by trying to emulate someone else.
July 11, 2013
You know the phrase, “If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough”? Well, are our dreams supposed to scare us into crippling fear?
I don’t know if it is because I have been home in CP this past week and a half and have had time on my hands to think or because I have recently took on some more adult responsibilities, but I am really scared that I am not going to be able to achieve what I want and make it out in the real world.
Now I have never been one that doesn’t succeed, so I know this worry is a little ridiculous, but I think it is because I want A LOT for myself. I am not trying to sound selfish, but I have set a very high bar for what I want my life to be at.
I want to graduate with honors. I want to live and work in the city. I want to work in entertainment, possibly write for SNL? Have a talk show? Be famous? I want to start a charity. I want to travel for leisure. I want to travel to volunteer and make a difference. I want to settle down on the east coast. I want to take care of my family.
How am I supposed to do that? I pray to God I have it in me. And what if I don’t. What happens to those who don’t reach their dreams? Do they adapt and still find happiness? I mean, I guess it has become part of evolution that humans have the ability to adapt to their surroundings and circumstances and survive, but I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. I want my name to be known. I want to mean something to people. I want to make an impact.
All in all, I just have to believe that I am good enough and smart enough But most simply and importantly enough just as I am, and with that, I have to have faith.
June 27, 2013
So I was talking with someone this afternoon about life, love and the pursuit of happiness (yada, yada, yada) and, inevitably and unavoidably, the topic of relationships came up. Now, if you have ever read my blog before and/or know me in person, you know that being in a romantic relationship is a sore spot for me. I am a smart person, I am a driven person. I have had a lot of life experience for only being 20. Give me a task. I will do it, and I will do it well. Relationships though? That part of my life is severely underdeveloped. It’s like I am a newborn babe when thrust into the realm of love, lust and heartbreak. Now I have spent years bitching, crying, and ultimately hating myself because I am alone. I would look in the mirror and pick things about me that were wrong, pinpointing certain physical aspects of myself that must have been the thing keeping me from joining the land of couples.
Well, I am an idiot.
You know what? I am pretty. I am not saying that to be cocky. I am not saying I am Heidi Klum gorgeous. It feels weird to say that after years upon years of insecurity and self-deprecation. But you know what I have realized? That doesn’t even matter! You could be the prettiest freaking person in the whole damn world. Guess what? It isn’t going to last. You know what will? Your character. The way you treat others. The things you put into the world. Your inner soul is what will stick around.
Now, I have always said that I act like a grandma, and I have gone through periods of anxiety because I feel like I am not doing what society tells me, a single college-aged girl, should be doing. In addition to worrying how I looked and trying to figure out how to change, I began to worry that maybe I was single because I don’t party. I don’t sleep around. Instead, I like to read or cook dinner with my friends or drink coffee and read a magazine.
You know what else I have realized?
Seriously. Who gets to determine how you live your life?
You know what else? Being alone doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t have to make you feel lonely either.
I am sorry, but if you don’t like me for me, then screw you. You don’t deserve me anyway. We are all incredible in our own ways, and we truly don’t need someone to validate that. If someone does come along though and loves you for everything you are, AWESOME, but no way in hell should we stress about it. There are more important things to worry about.
June 19, 2013
I don’t know how to explain it but there is something so romantic in the concept of being missed. Not only does that mean you made a lasting impression on someone, but it also means, that while you’re not there, you are still occupying their thoughts; their precious time is spent on you. While “I miss you” is not as powerful as the other famed 3-word phrase, it is still impactful in its own way.
So, who knows? Is it more satisfying to be missed or to be loved?