Finals are a B*tch

So I have 2 more finals tomorrow and then I am done.

I should be studying.

Instead, I am going to blog.

 

 

2 freaking finals solidify a whole 2 years of college that are done. Ummm, what? 2 years? Then, after this summer, I will be a senior.

This is mind-blowing to me.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I have been over this whole school thing since my sophomore year of high school. I want to move, have my own place that I decorate, have a job that I love, but school is all I have ever known. I am good at it. I know what is expected of me and I do it well. The thought of doing something other than that is terrifying.

 

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves… I still have 2 finals and 3 semesters until I actually need to be having this conversation.

Those finals, let me just tell you. As someone that is a hardcore Type A personality and self-admittedly correlates grades and self worth, these pesky tests are absolutely paralyzing. I have seriously cried my eyes out for the past 3 nights, part of that is due to finals stress, part of that is because of other worries. Anyway, I was trying to discover the root of my mental breakdowns. I figured out that 1) I set the bar for myself extremely high and 2) I am not enjoying my life. Could these 2 be related? ummmmm yes.

I want to succeed. But success is not enough. I want to be the best. But being the best at one thing isn’t enough for me. I want to be the best at multiple things. Do you see the vicious cycle? It is like none of my accomplishments are never enough for me. I am always striving for the next thing before taking time to congratulate myself on the task I just accomplished. This makes me worried that nothing will ever be enough for me. That I will constantly be telling myself, “oh I will be happy once this happens.” I feel like it is ok to be striving for greatness,but not to the point where the pressure I put on myself is completely debilitating.

Needless to say, this has to change. This summer I am going to work and do things that are stress free but also bring me happiness. I need to become at peace with myself internally. I don’t know if I will ever wash myself of my intense Type A self but I am going to try to tone it down. If not, I think I will go on Craigslist for bear tranquilizers and sedate myself.

kidding.

maybe.

Anyway, the moral of the story is don’t be like me. We don’t know how much time we have on this Earth so why be unhappy? I mean we all have our bad days, but our time here should be spent doing things that we love, that are good for the soul. This will make us the best people we can be, and that is what the world truly needs.

 

My First Published Rambling as a 20 year old!

Hi. Hello. How ya doing?

 

I have been away from the blogging world for what seems like an eternity: 2 WHOLE MONTHS. Did you guys miss me? Who am I kidding, I know you did.

 

So what have I been doing? Oh you know, the usual. Being a student. Working. Working out. Watching TV. Reading blogs. Keeping up on my pop culture. Everything that is important.

 

While I was away from me blog, I hit a milestone in my life. I turned 20.

I know. No longer can I blame bad life decisions on being a teenager. Nope. I am now like an adult. Believe me, panic attacks were had. I read articles about young women my age or younger doing things like inventing prosthetic limbs or traveling to Ghana to get orphans healthy. I know young women who have dealt with serious medical issues and have rebounded, stronger than ever. I know of people my age who have been to multiple countries. You want to know what I did in twenty years? NOT THAT. I can rattle off a celebrity’s baby’s name in a heartbeat. I can whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I can recite The 4o Year Old Virgin line by line. Although I know these skills are super impressive, they sure as hell can’t go on a resume or make my future memoir a best seller. So, what did I decide to do once the realization that I am a complete and utter loser faded?  I decided to make my twenties AMAZING. Can I tell you how well that is going?

 

I decided that I was going to use my twenties to be secure in myself. HA. HA HA HA. I am a mess, y’all.

 

For the gazillionth time, I was sitting in my room feeling lonely, not embracing that single girl swag like I should be and instead hating on myself. But just a few hours ago, something hit me. I don’t know if the answer I was looking for was hidden in the cake that I devoured earlier or what, but it dawned on me. I have been looking and praying and hoping for a soul mate. Someone to love me unconditionally. Someone to think I am the bee’s knees, and guys, I finally realized I have that.

There aren’t many people in this world that can say that they have best friends. There especially aren’t that many that can say they have had some of the same best friends since first grade, but I have that.

I mean, I know I am blessed when it comes to friends, but I guess I realized just how loved I was on my birthday. Some of my best friends are not on my college campus, yet they still made sure to go out of their way to make me feel loved and special. Even more, their families made sure I knew how much they loved me. That is something so unique and special and I just can’t believe that I get to experience that. I have a few best friends that would do anything for me, that I can call whenever and dump all of my problems on, and any time I am sad, I need to remember that. Although I have been searching for this Hollywood notion of the knee-weakening, firework inducing romantic love, I have something better. I have love that is good for the soul. I have friends in my life who have loved me unconditionally and will continue to love me. Friends who don’t judge me or critique me. Friends who make my life better and hold pieces of my heart. And, while I don’t know if I will ever find that one man for me, I do know that I am loved. My friends are my soul-mates and to them (and to God), I am forever thankful.

Romantic Movies Have Ruined Me

So in the last few years or so, I have realized that my movie viewing experience has been extremely limited. I didn’t ever think it was a problem though until recently. Growing up, I of course watched all of the Disney movies ever made, with a strong emphasis on the princess films. I then grew up and transitioned into cheesy teen movies ultimately finding comfort in romantic films. How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, The Wedding Singer, The Wedding Date, Something’s Gotta Give, The Notebook etc. are what I chose to view. I don’t like scary movies and action movies are whatever, so I constantly chose these puff pieces pumped with love, great settings, and attractive men. Now, these are perfect to watch when you want to let your mind relax. They’re cute and don’t make you think too much. Sounds like a great scenario, right? Wrong.

 

I have come to the conclusion that Hollywood’s portrayal of love has warped me and given me completely unrealistic expectations of relationships. While these films are supposed to make you happy, I have realized that the long-term effect is sadness and a never ending feeling of wanting something that just isn’t real. I’ve spent my whole life watching films that 1) give unrealistic ideas of how a girl should act and 2) create dramatic scenarios that will NEVER happen.

Disney promotes this idea that I should be in distress and get my man by being rescued. Because I am an independent, self-sufficient woman, I have been blaming myself as to why I am alone. Do I not have a boyfriend because I can take care of myself? Should I act more air-headed, like I need a man around to help me at all times or I just can’t function? It appears that I am single because I can rescue myself. As Disney has shown, guys don’t like that. How am I supposed to change who I am, though?

It has gotten to the point where I am convinced that, because I am smart and able to take care of myself, that I am just going to be single. 

As if it wasn’t bad enough to feel like I am alone because I am successful  these films create these grand scenarios that just won’t happen. 

I am not going to have a guy propose to me in a Tiffany’s store, telling me to pick whatever ring I want. I am not going to have someone chase me down on moped. I am not going to have someone write me love letters everyday for an entire year.

 

These things just do not happen, and while I realize that these portrayals are inaccurate, I can’t help but feed into it. And since my love life is pretty much non-existent at the moment, all of these movie scenes play in my mind and make the hurt of being alone that much worse. I am waiting for my prince to emerge out of nowhere, tell me that he loves me for everything I am and we run off happily ever after, but it is not going to happen.

My life is not a movie. I am not cut from the same cloth as the Disney princesses. 

 

Take Me Somewhere Warm….

I have been ridiculously busy. Busy working. Busy with 18 credit hours. Busy with sleep. So forgive me for not writing anything lately.

I have also been busy trying to work on myself. I am trying to limit negative comments I make about myself, and a midst all of the other things I have going on, I am drained. Trying to be a better me is exhausting. I guess it is just dawning in me how emotionally fatiguing it is to not love yourself. Fixing something that has been broken for a long time is no easy feat.  

I honestly don’t have anything else to say. 

I am tired and need a break. 

All I have to add is that, with tomorrow being Valentine’s Day, I hope you give some love to the most important person: yourself. 

 

I miss 2004.

So since I don’t think that I am currently in a proper emotional state to delve into part 2 of my dating diaries (i.e. insight into my hot mess of a life), I figured I would discuss simple, uncomplicated, neutral topics. I promise that my next post will be full of topics that will a) leave you feeling WAYYYY better about your life b) provide you with plenty of material to judge me with and c) both a &b.

As for those neutral topics, the best way I see organizing them is in a list. Oh, and when I say “neutral topics” I mean things that have absolutely no importance yet are captivating my brain waves currently.

1) I am listening to Michelle Branch right now and can I just say that she is phenomenal. That being said, what the hell happened to her? I mean her songs were my elementary school jamz, and when her song “Goodbye to You” played in the limo of the prom episode of Laguna Beach, I almost peed out of excitement. So, like, Michelle needs to come back and make some wonderful music. And, if Michelle is going to come back, I guess I need some more Laguna Beach in my life, too. Jesus, the early 2000s were good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

remember Lauren Conrad when she wasn’t a cool designer and was just a teen with horrid hi-lights and the nickname LC? or Kristin Cavallari before she birthed the son of Chicago Bears’ embarrassment, Jay Cutler? #retroMTV

2) I have been drinking green tea multiple times a day in efforts to boost my metabolism and be healthier. Yeah, I sweeten it with honey and a splenda but whatever. If my metabolism doesn’t kick into high gear soon I am going to be PISSED. That is all.

 

3) Spring semester started Tuesday. Manchester can be pretty cool, but I do have some complaints. First of all, I wish that some cooler classes were offered. I know some schools have History of Rap, Lady Gaga and Harry Potter courses. How cool would that be?! I know we are a place of higher education, but I feel like courses about pop culture can be informative and relevant. Maybe someday… Second(ly?), North Manny needs to be revamped. The 4 fast food places, CVS and grocery store are NOT cutting it. I am not saying we need to build a Six Flags but a Panera Bread, movie theater, B Dubs, etc. would be so splendid.

If I am being honest, this list could go on for days which would result in you and me clawing our eyes out, so I guess I will leave it with those three. Like I said before, this post is dumb but talking about my eternal singledom just did not sound cool tonight for fear of being laughed at, but I mean I just typed up a post about green tea and Laguna Beach. So, yeah. There’s that. This is my life. God help me.

The Dating Diaries: chapter 1

You guys. I am 19. Do you know what that means? 19 years without a functional relationship with a man who is chivalrous, intelligent, funny, well dressed, somewhat inappropriate and hard-working. Nope. Clearly Cupid hates me and Aphrodite (the goddess of love) is a total bitch because instead I have had weirdos thrown in my path and have subsequently deemed myself undateable.

I have tried talking to guys younger than me, the same age as me and older than me and every attempt has led to failure. 

There was the guy who got mad at me for not liking ham. And I am not overeacting when I say he got very angry with me.

Then there was the guy who was a walking oxymoron. It’s like, get your shit together. 

Then there was the guy who…honestly, I can’t even talk about it. All I can say is no. He was a HOT MESS. I have friends who can attest.

Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I am so fugly that the world is punishing me and considers me unworthy for normal love. I don’t effing know. All I know is that even though I am only 19, I am thisclose to completing the final step of my granny-dom by only ever wearing house slippers and a robe and receiving love from the only Mr. I need, Mr. Whiskers. To be honest, at this point it sounds more pleasant than what I have been dealing with. 

Now when reading this, do not judge me, for I am not even sure what this post is. I am not sure if it is me complaining because I want to be in a relationship or me finally accepting and embracing the single life I have lived. Who knows?

All I do know is that I am fucking weird. I say things that a truck-driver with no filter would say, yet I do so while wearing a dress and a bow in my hair. I bake. I have no volume control. I drink more coffee than I should. And I sing… alot. But I thought that every pot (however weird that pot may be*) was supposed to have its lid? 

Maybe I am just a lidless pot…

*and let me clarify. Although I fully own up to being weird, I am still functional and too smart for the freaks that I have encountered. If you know me, you will agree that even I should not settle for the men in my past. 

IMPORTANT- READ (just kidding. This post is me rambling.)

What do I like to do when I want to procrastinate from homework? Blog, of course!

But seriously, Jan Term should be simple. It is only one class for 3 weeks. Mine should be even easier because we only meet in class on Thursdays and Fridays. Boyyyy was I wrong. This is a 400 level comm class, and it is no joke. My break activities of sleeping, baking, eating what I baked, sleeping again and occasionally showering and putting on something other than nasty sweats I have had since the 6th grade definitely did NOT prepare me for the abundance of hard, time-consuming work I would need to do. Even though I am a comm major, this Rhetoric of War class is hard for me. The concepts are foreign and complex ,and although I hate to admit it, when something does not come easily to me, I kind of get pissed and give up. I know that is like a really bad trait, but I hate having to spend more than like a half hour on homework. Anything longer than 30 minutes and I get bored, frustrated, and on the verge of quitting school… which makes me wonder what in the heck I smoked when I thought it would be a good idea to take the practice GRE.

Let’s review. I don’t like spending a crap ton of time on out of class work. I don’t really now how to study. And I would rather be checking my twitter feed than sharpening my academic skills. Yep, grad school sounds like the perfect choice for me. More time in school. Just what I dream about.

 

I am kidding. Grad school sounds like a terror. And to get into the grad school I want would require some GRE prep. hahahahah. If it isn’t stalking Ryan Gosling or online fashion blog reading, I am not interested. UGH. Why can’t someone just recognize my funny yet smart-assy personality and make me famous. Don’t tell me I couldn’t entertain as well as the facking Kardashians. PUH-LEASE.

*if anyone in the entertainment world reads my blog, give me a chance. seriously. school is for losers.

** if said entertainment person is Lena Dunham, Tina Fey or Andy Cohen, I’ll freaking clean your toilets with a toothbrush just to get out of North Manny and merely be in your presence. TAKE A CHANCE ON ME. YOUR TOILETS WILL BE SO SPOTLESS.

Unlucky 13? I don’t think so…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://public.lomography.com/357618afb/images/specials/happy_2013/happy_2013.jpg

 

So I am cheesy in the sense that I love the clean slate and freshness that a new year brings. I am also unoriginal in the sense that I will be posting, on New Year’s Day, my list of resolutions. I hope y’all are interested…

 

2013 Resolutions

 

1)      Continue with eating healthy and exercising. I feel so much better when I am putting nutritious things in my body and am working out. I only get one body and need to treat it well. I will have more energy upon doing so, too.

That being said, I need to remember that I can eat junk every now and then and I don’t have to beat myself up for it. As long as it is done only on occasion, it is OK. The point of life is to be happy and sometimes you just need a piece of cake.

2)      In addition to health, this year I am going to focus on loving myself. No more calling myself names, beating myself up, and being super self-conscious. No. It is not allowed. I am not ugly. I am not a whale. I am me, and that is absolutely perfect. I cannot continue to treat myself this way because it negatively affects everyone around me.

3)       I have always worked hard, but this year I am really going to bust my butt and focus on the future. I want to live in the city. I want to work in entertainment, whether that is writing for a TV show, writing for a magazine or working at E! I need to do things that will eventually get me to this place.

This cannot be done obsessively though. I must remember to live in the moment and enjoy every day. Some things happen when you least expect them, but I will actively strive to achieve my dreams.

 

In addition to these big 3, I must remember to:

-be a great daughter, sister, friend and citizen

-devote time to religion

-write down something that I am thankful for everyday

-always give 110%

-laugh always

 

I am keeping optimistic thoughts that 2013 is going to be wonderful.

I also pray that your resolutions come true and together, in this year, we might make the world a kinder place.

 

 

Self love

As I sit here wearing 85 layers because my mom keeps the house at sub-zero temperatures, I must say that I am very content. My dog is snuggled up next to me. I had a great Christmas spent with my crazy family. I have gotten to see my best friends. I have been able to relax to the point where I am excited to go back to school and work and learn. I cannot complain.

The one blemish this break has brought though has to do with my weight. Because I am home, I do not have a gym at my disposal. Because it is the holiday season, I might have consumed one too many sweet treats. Because it is break, I have had a LOT of free time.

Ever since I lost weight, I now OBSESS over what I am eating and am constantly weighing myself and hating myself. I don’t think I am good enough or pretty enough or thin enough.

I realize that this is not ok. I realize that I need to love myself and recognize how far I have come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer 2011

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Autumn 2012

I guess I am writing this partly as a reminder to myself that I am healthy and beautiful and partly as a reminder to anyone that there are so many more important ways you can spend your time rather than hating yourself and worrying about body image.

 

For example, the snowflake project for Sandy Hook:

“

Snowflake Project for Newtown, Connecticut

I recently received an email from a blog reader named Erin who passed along the following information to me about a “Snowflake Project,” an easy way to give back and hopefully bring a smile to the faces of the students who attend Sandy Hook Elementary School when they return to school after the holidays.

According to Erin, Sandy Hook Elementary will no longer be used and the students will now attend a new school. The teachers of the area are asking people to make and decorate snowflakes that will then be hung in the hallways of the new school. They do not want any words on the snowflakes, and are hoping for cheerful, happy (glitter & sparkle) snowflakes for the students to see when they enter their new building.

When sending your snowflakes, please include a note about where they are from (school, class, town, state) to display along with your snowflakes. Hopefully we can bring a smile to the faces of these students!

Please send to:

Connecticut PTSA
60 Connolly Parkway, Building 12, Suite 103
Hamden, CT 06514

“

pbfingers.com

Anyway,

Consider this my 2013 resolution (just a few days earlier).

From here on out I am hoping to gain confidence and self-appreciation.

 

And I hope that you love yourself, too!

angels.

So in the past three days I have baked dozens of cookies from scratch while listening to Christmas music to try and get into the holiday spirit. Well, it isn’t working. I don’t have any children, but I cannot stop crying over the little babies who lost their lives in the Newtown shooting. It sick and sad and the worst part? It is unable to be explained. What drives a person to do that? How awful was he feeling? Could it have been prevented?

 

These things will never be answered.

 

Instead this horrid tragedy needs to be a spark that lights a movement. These violent events should not happen. This country is supposed to be advanced, full of freedom and opportunity. We need to get back to focusing on people and not things. Humans are crumbling right in front of us. This way of life cannot go on.

 

The only reassuring thing to come out of this tragedy? Those babies are in a much better place. <3