day 2 on the new job- a peek into my mind

  1. Why doesn’t the South Shore go all the way to my work and stop right there?
  2. Why are there no good songs on Spotify?
  3. Why are there tolls and why are they so expensive?
  4. Why don’t cars have a built in coffee pot?
  5. Should I try to find a carpool club?
  6. Is every road being worked on?
  7. Ugh, how am I low on gas already?
  8. CURSE YOU LAKE SHORE DRIVE. Why do you suck?
  9. Is that a car on fire?
  10. Why did I leave so early, and am I the first one here?
  11. Do you think they monitor internet usage, cause I needs to check my Facebook?
  12. When will I be able to get an apartment here?
  13. WHY IS A STUDIO SO EXPENSIVE?
  14. Is it lunch time yet?
  15. OMG will I ever make work friends?
  16. Will I ever make Chicago friends?
  17. Was college the best it is gonna get for me?
  18. What is a liturgy and how hard is it to become Catholic?
  19. Do I need a bible?
  20. Why am I so hungry?
  21. Do you think they regret hiring me?
  22. But for real, how do adults make friends?
  23. What am I going to have for dinner?
  24. Why do I keep having to pee?
  25. When will I stop being nervous?
  26. Did I make the right decision?
  27. Can I live with my mom forever?
  28. How hard is it to collect unemployment?
  29. Should I go to grad school?
  30. How am I going to drive here in the winter?
  31. Lake Shore Drive, are you ever going to get your shit together?
  32. How is tomorrow only Wednesday?
  33. Why is traffic not moving?
  34. Why is the exit reduced to one lane?
  35. How the hell do I only have half a tank of gas?
  36. Why do I have to pay these tolls all over again?
  37. What do my co-workers think of me?
  38. Can I just be a student forever?
  39. Scratch that, can I just stumble upon wealthiness?
  40. Ugh, why are all of these people running along the lakeshore?
  41. When I move here, do I have to become a good runner?
  42. How is it already 5:30 already?
  43. Can I eat a cookie and a piece of cake?
  44. Do I have the energy to work out?
  45. How much time do I have before I need to wake up and do it all over again?
  46. When will this all start to feel normal?

Can I fast forward?

I have written countless blog posts before about feeling lonely due to my unsuccessful, always unfruitful, chases for love and I have written blog posts where I detailed feeling alone due to the emotional isolation caused by my depression. Let me tell you though, none of those prepared me for the loneliness that comes with your post-collegiate life.

This loneliness is different, and in some ways, worse.

College is a bubble. A safe, cozy bubble that makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. It is full of friendly faces that surround you and make you feel like you have a small, supportive army. Once you graduate, you’re pushed out of that bubble and forced into a harsher reality.

I have never felt as alone as I have this summer.

Yes, I have gotten to see friends and family, but it isn’t the same. My whole community is gone.

Leaving college forced me to leave 1200 people who I knew could relate to me or understand me on some level. Now, I am left with nearly no one.

I have realized that a lot of people that I thought were my friends are either consumed in their new found domestic life or are too busy with jobs or were only friendly because it was convenient. I have realized that just because they were faces I saw everyday for 4 years doesn’t mean they are faces I was meant to see for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it is sad. Even if these people don’t want to be my forever friend, I miss seeing their faces and feeling safe. They knew me, I knew them, and we could chat and go on about our lives feeling a bit fuller. Feeling temporarily less alone.

People in their early 20s seem to dive right into making a family or be the polar opposite- spending their checks on trips and extravagant experiences. I cannot seem to find anyone who fits in neither of those boxes like me.

Losing my community has made me feel like I have lost a part of myself.

But, I suppose you can’t have something forever.

Survey Sunday (part 5?)

Hi all! I am not dead; I have just been leading a verrrryyyy lackluster summer. I don’t start my job until mid-August and am slowly going crazy. There is only so much Scandal a person can watch before  feeling depressed about 1) the political system and 2) not being Olivia Pope.

Besides Netflix and reading and the occasional workout, the high point of my week was seeing Magic Mike XXL. I have decided that the next relationship I enter in must be with a male stripper.

That being said… here is a random survey I found.

Sorry, I am bored.

MY FAVORITE:

song that amps me up during a workout- Lately, because I am apparently a pre-pubescent girl, it has been Where Are U Now by the Biebs. That song makes me feel like I could run a marathon, and then half a mile in the song ends and I remember that I am so NOT a runner. But for the .5 miles I feel like a rockstar. Also, if I am being honest, the Biebs got attractive.

OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I SAYING. GET ME OUT OF MY BED.

way to eat eggs- Poached! I have been digging poached eggs lately. The problem is I can’t poach an egg. Soooooo said male stripper boyfriend needs to also know how to cook and enter my life like yesterday. Cereal ain’t cutting it.

podcast- I am not hipster enough to listen to Podcasts soooo…..

Kind of date- HA. Is this a joke? I HATE dating. It is so awkward, and I feel like I can never really eat when I am on them. So, let’s just pretend that stripper boyfriend and I are like a good 4 months in to a very happy, monogamous relationship. In that case, my ideal date would be him making me making breakfast and sipping coffee. Then, maybe going for a walk and visiting a farmers market. Then, coming back home and watch some TV and take a nap. Then, make some dinner. And then we would go out for ice cream and maybe see some live music or go to a bar to meet some friends. Apparently I like dates to last at least 20 hours. But remember, stripper boyfriend is obsessed with me and wants to spend every waking moment making me happy. I know, I am #blessed.

App- Nothing beats seeing filtered photos of my favorite celebs as well as adorable animals due to the plethora of pet accounts I follow. I am super cool.

Item in my closet- What are real clothes? This has been the summer of workout shorts and sports bras. BUT, soon enough, I will have to look like a respectable human. In that case, I think my most favorite item in my closet is a tie between this black dress my mom got me 2 years ago from Target that accentuates my good parts and hides my bad parts AND my shorteralls. Getting those denim beauties was a dream come true.

Pizza topping- VEGGIES–> mushroom, tomato, green pepper,and onion. I absolutely hate almost all meats on pizza. I will tolerate some grilled chicken or taco meat if I am feeling taco pizza, but veggies are the way to go. It makes me feel so healthy and fit, like I belong in the pages of Self or Shape Magazine ( side note- I am being sarcastic. I know that pizza isn’t healthy…)

Gifts to give and receive- When receiving gifts, I only accept dollar bills (no less than fifties) or diamonds. Totally kidding. I am that girl that keeps every card she gets so I am a big fan of thoughtful, written from the heart cards. I also like coffee mugs and anything polka-dotted/ with a bow on it.

When it comes to giving gifts, I really love giving people cards that say “you’re welcome” because my presence in their life is the greatest gift of all. Usually that pisses people off though, so I like getting them something fancy that I know they will like/need/ and wouldn’t ever buy for them-self. YAY PRESENTS. I LOVE GIVING GIFTS.

Ok, that is the end of the survey.

Now, to watch Scandal and realize that I will never be a cool Gladiator.

It’s fine. I’m fine.

What It’s Like To Be “Too Picky” In Dating

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Dima ViunnykDima Viunnyk

“Maybe you’re just being too selective,” my friend nonchalantly offers, bringing a Corona bottle to her lips. We are sitting in a bar, one of her choosing, and airing our grievances about life. She’s unhappy with her career, or lack of as she says, and I’m trying to solve my personal dichotomy of wanting love and never wanting to meet anyone.

“You’ve always been too picky.”

It’s not as if she’s saying something I don’t think myself. On nights I’m filled with a strange sort of jealousy that so many people in my life are coupled off, I begin fretting my love of solitude is a sign that something is wrong with me. And I can’t help from questioning my own behavior. You see enough Instagram posts of engagement rings from girls you once ran away from boys with on the elementary blacktop, you start to wonder.

Where…

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Nicholas Sparks Changed Me

True love.

Two words that, depending on your past you either “awww” at or scoff at. A concept that has almost been erased from the minds of human beings due to the world we live in today. Tinder, SnapChat, texting- all of these enemies have pushed true love into hiding, so far hidden that some might argue that it is gone.

I come from a generation that is notorious for instantaneous gratification. We want things and we want them now. We hate waiting. Dating, writing letters, meaningful, face-to-face conversations- too time consuming. The solution? Apps like Tinder and Grindr to show you people you can hook up with in a 5 mile radius; we create things to make “love” more convenient.

I get it. I am so impatient. I hate waiting. I like to be in control and do things when I want to. I hate succumbing to the idea that there is a bigger plan waiting for me because that means my fate is at the hands of someone else. Love is though; it is not at your control. It isn’t something that comes when you want it to. It is something that takes time and patience and faith, everything that goes against today’s mentality.

Sounds rough, right? So difficult and seemingly unattainable that most people settle for  knock-off versions of love because it is there and it is easy. BUT- it isn’t the real thing.

I have been in love and had my heart ripped out. I have been stood up and ignored by guys that I thought liked me. I have been overlooked and passed up. I have seen marriages crumble and end in divorce (my parents’ included). I have seen people stay in relationships out of complacency. Memories that are like flashing lights telling me to STAY AWAY FROM LOVE and retreat to the safety net of hooking up and having no feelings. It is easier and it is safe.

It isn’t love, though.

Now this completely contradicts my realist, independent girl attitude but I am choosing to wait for love. I am choosing to believe that it is out there. Blame it on the numerous romantic comedies I have seen or all of the Nicholas Sparks novels I have read, but I am waiting to find that one person. The person who makes you better. The person who sees that you’re a mess but chooses to stay. The person who lights up for you. The peanut butter to your jelly. Your soul mate. Your one.

I know love is out there. It can be likened to a rare gem, but true love is real. And yes, it is definitely easier and less life-altering and less time-consuming to settle or refuse to think love is fake, but it isn’t nearly as rewarding as being patient and being hopeful.

I am choosing to believe that love and romance and chivalry and kindness are alive and well. I am putting my faith in humanity. It might sound stupid and it might sound girly and it might sound pathetic, but I don’t care. I am romantic and apparently a bit more idealistic than I care to admit, but I am waiting. And once that wait is over and I have found true love, I can assure you that it will all have been worth it.

When?

When I started this blog my freshman year of college, I didn’t really know what it would become. I just knew how much I loved reading blogs, how much I loved writing, and how I needed an outlet. While some people make a career out of creating a fashion-centered blog or a healthy living blog, it seems that mine has just become my own public diary- a place for me to confess my fears and sadnesses and joys. It might get annoying to some, or maybe it helps others feel less alone. I’m not sure. All I know is that writing how I feel is sometimes the only way for me to relax and cleanse my mind. So, if you are reading this, thanks for not judging and welcome to my mind.

Currently, my mind has been going down roads that have left me feeling less than. To fix this, I started reading a book about how to live a more grateful life. And for a day, I felt very enlightened. I have a roof over my head, friends and my health. It’s all good, right?

Wrong.

Now, that is not to say I am not thankful for those things, because I am. But I want more, and I am sick and tired of waiting.

I have heard time and time again that “the right man/job/life will come along” because “I deserve it.” It is out there, “I just have to wait.” But, is it? Do I deserve it? What makes me special? I look around and I see my friends with the loves of their lives, I see friends achieving their goals, and me? I am stagnant. I have none of that. Even sadder? I don’t even know what I want. I feel like I have waited so long for my life to happen to me that slowly my drive and passion have been stripped away and now I feel stuck. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I am sitting here like a bump on a log. I HATE it.

How do I get to a place where I am appreciated and adored and important? I try to be positive and thankful  but that question keeps me up at night. When will I matter? When will I make a difference? When will I prove to the world that I needed to be here on this planet?

I guess all I can do is what everyone has told me to do- be patient. But how long should one have to wait? And what more can I do to be different and make the one life I have a great one?

just another statistic

I never thought that I would be sitting here, on a Thursday afternoon, as a college grad who is jobless and is interviewing later today to be a waitress.

I always knew that it was a possibility seeing that 12% of college grads are jobless, but I never thought that I would fall into that category.

But here I am, unemployed and looking for jobs in which I’ll be underemployed.

And I am mad. Mad at myself. Mad for thinking that if I believed hard enough that I would achieve my dreams of city life and having a job I love. Mad that I didn’t major in something with a bit more job security. Mad that at 22 I don’t have the resources to take care of myself. Mad that I didn’t stick it out at my old job and just dealt with all of the problems it created for me.

And I am sad. I am sad that I busted my ass at MU and now it clearly means nothing. Sad that apparently I am not good enough for any employer. Sad that I am not in a place financially where I can just say, “screw it” and figure it out as I go. Sad that being idealistic and thinking that I deserved and earned a good future has made me even more upset in my stagnant state.

But most of all, I am embarrassed. I thought that if I talked a big game, I would speak my dreams into existence. That if I said what I wanted and write down what I wanted and hoped for what I wanted, that the universe would align itself for me.

But who was I kidding?

I am nothing special. There are thousands of college grads way better than me that come from families with resources and connections whereas I am a mere, insignificant blip.

All I have ever wanted since I was a kid was a job that I loved. It didn’t have to pay millions, I didn’t have to have a Porsche or a vacation home- all I wanted was a job that made others feel good and made me feel good.

I didn’t think that was too much to ask for. I didn’t think it was selfish. I didn’t think it was unrealistic.

I am finding out that I was so, so wrong.