So I have 2 more finals tomorrow and then I am done.
I should be studying.
Instead, I am going to blog.
2 freaking finals solidify a whole 2 years of college that are done. Ummm, what? 2 years? Then, after this summer, I will be a senior.
This is mind-blowing to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been over this whole school thing since my sophomore year of high school. I want to move, have my own place that I decorate, have a job that I love, but school is all I have ever known. I am good at it. I know what is expected of me and I do it well. The thought of doing something other than that is terrifying.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves… I still have 2 finals and 3 semesters until I actually need to be having this conversation.
Those finals, let me just tell you. As someone that is a hardcore Type A personality and self-admittedly correlates grades and self worth, these pesky tests are absolutely paralyzing. I have seriously cried my eyes out for the past 3 nights, part of that is due to finals stress, part of that is because of other worries. Anyway, I was trying to discover the root of my mental breakdowns. I figured out that 1) I set the bar for myself extremely high and 2) I am not enjoying my life. Could these 2 be related? ummmmm yes.
I want to succeed. But success is not enough. I want to be the best. But being the best at one thing isn’t enough for me. I want to be the best at multiple things. Do you see the vicious cycle? It is like none of my accomplishments are never enough for me. I am always striving for the next thing before taking time to congratulate myself on the task I just accomplished. This makes me worried that nothing will ever be enough for me. That I will constantly be telling myself, “oh I will be happy once this happens.” I feel like it is ok to be striving for greatness,but not to the point where the pressure I put on myself is completely debilitating.
Needless to say, this has to change. This summer I am going to work and do things that are stress free but also bring me happiness. I need to become at peace with myself internally. I don’t know if I will ever wash myself of my intense Type A self but I am going to try to tone it down. If not, I think I will go on Craigslist for bear tranquilizers and sedate myself.
Anyway, the moral of the story is don’t be like me. We don’t know how much time we have on this Earth so why be unhappy? I mean we all have our bad days, but our time here should be spent doing things that we love, that are good for the soul. This will make us the best people we can be, and that is what the world truly needs.