Well, I have debated whether or not I would post this, but I figured, why not? I don’t have anything to lose, and writing is cathartic.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. It seems weird writing that, and it is even weirder that in 2013 I still have to feel ashamed of that statement, that these illnesses aren’t viewed like other chronic problems like Lou Gehrig’s or Crohn’s.
It is a disease. It is something uncontrollable. No, it isn’t something that can be cured if “I get out more”. And, no, I am not just an overdramatic teen, because I have had this from before I can even remember. Medicine can help and it can usually be swept under the rug, but sometimes, like any other bad illness, it can flare up and only time and prayers can help.
This might be hard to understand, especially if you don’t suffer, but this disease makes it really hard to know and live out happiness. People have asked me why I am such a miserable person, but it is not like I choose that path. Who in their right mind would want that? To live a life where it is impossible to love yourself? To cry and not even be able to pinpoint the cause? Of course these side-effects happen at my absolute worst of times, but they are still something I have to endure and have to be accepted by those close to me. Sometimes I will sink into a hole and struggle and be sad and nothing can make it better, but that does not mean that I don’t appreciate your help. Or that I am just a selfish bitch who wants attention. I realize it makes me hard to love, but these things just happen. And I am used to it by now.
Why do I suffer from this? I don’t know. And I realize that I might sound like a brat because I could have it much much worse. Believe me, I understand that and am thankful, but it is still hard when you can’t live in the present. I am so scared that I will be on my deathbed and have many regrets because I didn’t enjoy life, but in all reality, I don’t know how.
All I do know is that, this is a part of me that I am still trying to understand. It is a part of me that puts up walls between others.
I just hope that I can keep coping. I hope that I am doing the right thing and am in the right place at this point in time. And, I hope that someday it gets easier.