Gray

What is it like to not feel gray?   

 

I mean, while everyone else appears to be black or white, I am stuck in this in-between; it is a numbness that I can’t seem to shake. 

Lately, I feel as if I am just doing the motions: nothing more, nothing less. It is as if the spark that drove me to the want of success, of health, of vividness, has been completely put out. I am not happy and I am not sad, but I am also not content. I feel like I am not enough, that I will never be enough, and that I am just skirting by.

 

The thought of my future exhausts me, and I lack the motivation right now to overcompensate for my lack of energy. I truly do not know where this sense of “blah” came from but I don’t know how to fix it, and as someone who likes to be in control, I am struggling. It isn’t like I haven’t dealt with emotional crashes in the past because Lord knows I have had at least 3 pre-quarter life crises, but this is different. I am not super emotional, instead I am on auto-pilot.

 

I think I will be ok, but right now I am out of fuel Wouldn’t you be too if you were never quite good enough; always giving but never getting? 

 

Growing up sucks.

 

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