2014 is finally here. Finally? Well, 14 is the lucky number my mom and I share, so I am convinced that this will be my, our, year. It has to be.
If you have read my blog before or know me, you know that I am a very layered person. I can put on the go-getter pants and be outgoing and funny and loud, but deep down I am a very afraid person. So much so that it is crippling. I doubt myself. I get sad. I become unhappy. It is a tough road and a road that I have yet to exit off of.
I have a small comfort zone. This has caused issues for me. Coming to Manchester was and still is one of the most exhausting decisions for me. I cry thinking I have to go back tomorrow. Now, it sounds silly because I have a great life there, but my anxiety gets the best of me. I was homesick my freshman year; I missed familiarity in my life. Then, I doubted if Manchester was the school for me. I hate its location. I felt I needed bigger, but then, I felt like I needed home. Now that I am nearing the end, I still don’t know if it is right for me. I still get the urge to leave. It is mostly fear based. I am nervous to start my internship. I am nervous to graduate. The career aspirations I have made I want are far fetched and lofty. I want and will need to move to a big city but that is easier said than done. I crave a specific life but being alone makes it daunting. I don’t know if I have it in me.
I may sound like a spoiled brat because I am having an anxiety attack over “good” things. The fact that I get to go to school is amazing. I get that. I am thankful. This doesn’t mean I am happy or I enjoy it though. And, it isn’t because of homework or lack of sleep, but because it is hard to enjoy anything when I have such an uneasy soul. Now, that may sound very yoga-ish of me, but it is the only way I know how to describe it. I have so much internal turmoil that I am never at rest. That makes it hard to be in the moment, to enjoy and seize the day.
I want 2014 to be my year. I want it to be the year that all of my emotional wounds close. I want it to be the year that I feel like I kind of have it together. I know this won’t magically happen. I know I need to work to fix myself and to fix my life. I need to have less fear. I need to find peace. I just don’t know how…
My resolution is a tough one, that’s for sure.
Happy New Year xoxo