The month of romance and candy and roses and drug store jewelry purchases. Thank God it is only a month of 28 days.
Instead of focusing on typical relationships though, I thought of the relationship I have with myself and who I am as a person. The comedian we had at our school said something very poignant last night in which he claimed that the world puts the idea in your head that you need someone. That you are an incomplete person without someone. That in order to be a full human being you must be someone’s better half. I agree that this idea is perpetuated by our surroundings. Movies, music, books- they all usually focus on love. it is hard to find a song that is about a single person doing some mundane task like grocery shopping. That doesn’t sell. Sex does. Love does. People want to be loved. It is hard for me to make a decision on whether or not I agree with the comedian’s claim. While I do feel that society has made those that are alone (by choice or not) feel like a lesser human, I do feel as if that it is in your biological nature to crave love and companionship. So I guess I am at a happy medium, not only where I stand with his statement but where I am in my life. I obviously have the need to be loved and love, but no longer am I making it my focus of thought. Mostly because I am busy right now. Busy trying to heal and become a whole person on my own so when the time comes for me to be part of a duo, I don’t enter the relationship shattered and jagged to my partner.
Like romantic love and its requirement that it involves more than one human being in order to work, becoming who I am is not something that happened on its own. My identity was and is not something that I create alone. While some say that we should not listen to others and we are who we are, independent of what is around us, I say that is bull. My identity is not so much an action but a reaction to the things I have dealt with in my life, and when people say that loving ourself is number one, it is not so simple. Who I am is an effect of so much more than just causes I made. Loving myself involves so much more than what it appears to portray because myself is a response to relationships I have had and have, struggles I deal with and much more. And because myself is a thing that is ever evolving, it gets tricky. For example, a lot of who I am is my personality, but the thing about my personality is that it was built as a tool of self-defense. I am funny and loud because those things overpowered what I looked like on the outside. Self-deprecation became my thing. Now, I am thinner and the vessel that holds my soul has physically changed but the self that was built around those things remains the same and that self is so much more different than the one 5 years prior. It is confusing.
I guess what I am trying to say is that February, the month of love, which includes self love, has me thinking. Self love is interesting because your self changes. How can you love the self you are now if you never loved the self you were before?