Let me preface this post by saying that anything I write and post is done for my benefit; I have no side intentions when I pour my heart out on virtual paper. I do so because I get to points in my life where I feel like I am going to crumble from everything weighing on me and the only way I know how to temporarily internally cleanse is through words. Why I post these publicly, I do not know? I guess I hope people can relate or read and better understand me (although I don’t even understand me). Anyway, I am not seeking anything from these posts but healing.
That being said, I am currently stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am finally on the right path and am becoming secure in who I am. The struggle? I am disappointed with who I am. Let me explain. I have had identity issues for awhile. It is the equivalent of looking in a mirror and seeing a goat instead of my reflection. To simplify, I view myself in a warped way. Lately though I have started seeing things that resemble me in the mirror. I have started being ok with what I see in the mirror. I have become more settled in my own skin.
Comfort is so fleeting though.
No longer am I disgusted with the way I look but I am starting to reject and loathe my inside, my soul. It appears that the turmoil is settling and I am disappointed with the wreckage that is my soul. No longer is it am I fat, but worse: Am I a good, worthy human being? I look at others and what they have done and who they are and I am jealous. I view my friends and those around me in such high regard and I am realizing that I will never be them. Instead, I am a burden. I feel exhausted and drained and like a weight but at the same time I feel hollow inside. I am a bag of contradictory feelings. Like I said, I am becoming aware of this and conscious that this is what I am (which is good because I have spent a lot of time running from what I am) but at the same time, it sucks. It is like, this is who I am? Couldn’t I be a bit more extraordinary? A bit more brilliant? A bit more stable?
I have finally discovered who I am and am disappointed at the outcome. How do I get to a better place?