Is one the loneliest number?

I think I know why I have failed at love. 

 

Love is something I can’t control. This is an issue for me. 

 

I like to be in charge and I have high standards. That is not a problem when I am speaking in regard to myself. In fact, my type A personality has gotten me to where I am now, which I consider a pretty successful place. I work hard and organize and take charge and am rewarded accordingly. 

Unfortunately, when it comes to someone else’s heart, these powers I possess are absolutely useless. Bonnie Raitt knew what was up when she sang “I can’t make you love me.” She can’t. I can’t. No one can. No one can make someone love a person. It has to happen organically, naturally. This is a problem. I can’t let things happen. I want to make things happen. I am straightforward and honest and headstrong and I don’t like to wait. Letting go and letting love find me is not advice that I can adhere to. 

 

And what if I did? What if I let go and let life take over? Well then, I wouldn’t be me. Hannah and relax are two things that will never be synonymous, and the person (“my person”) would have to accept that. Isn’t that what love is anyway? Accepting a person for who they are and loving them for it. If I was to relax and let love just happen to me, then I would be dis-genuine. Things in my life don’t occur naturally. 

 

So where does that put me? Well, to be blunt, it seems that I am in a lose-lose. I will never let love happen upon me, leaving me to a life of solitude (when it comes to romance). That being said, I guess I just want to know, will I be ok? If I am by myself for the rest of my life, am I going to be alright?

 

See human nature has this funny little way of making companionship a biological need. Innate to survival. Subsequently, I have this place inside that feels a bit empty. Sometimes I try to fill it with food or coffee but it achingly remains open. If I accept that it will always remain empty, that I will always be me, myself and I, will it hurt less? 

Because I guess that is the worst part. Hurting for something that is never going to happen.

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2 thoughts on “Is one the loneliest number?

  1. Yep you’ll be okay. Love is different for everyone. Some believe it has to be like a romantic movie, and others are disgusted by the thought of love being like a romantic movie. My guess is that because you have been single for so long, you have become very independent, and you don’t really want to put up with someone who might be needy. Unfortunately, a lot of people want to “play the game” or are needy. Fortunately, there are people out there who aren’t like that. You just have to date around and give people chances.

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