I think I know why I have failed at love.
Love is something I can’t control. This is an issue for me.
I like to be in charge and I have high standards. That is not a problem when I am speaking in regard to myself. In fact, my type A personality has gotten me to where I am now, which I consider a pretty successful place. I work hard and organize and take charge and am rewarded accordingly.
Unfortunately, when it comes to someone else’s heart, these powers I possess are absolutely useless. Bonnie Raitt knew what was up when she sang “I can’t make you love me.” She can’t. I can’t. No one can. No one can make someone love a person. It has to happen organically, naturally. This is a problem. I can’t let things happen. I want to make things happen. I am straightforward and honest and headstrong and I don’t like to wait. Letting go and letting love find me is not advice that I can adhere to.
And what if I did? What if I let go and let life take over? Well then, I wouldn’t be me. Hannah and relax are two things that will never be synonymous, and the person (“my person”) would have to accept that. Isn’t that what love is anyway? Accepting a person for who they are and loving them for it. If I was to relax and let love just happen to me, then I would be dis-genuine. Things in my life don’t occur naturally.
So where does that put me? Well, to be blunt, it seems that I am in a lose-lose. I will never let love happen upon me, leaving me to a life of solitude (when it comes to romance). That being said, I guess I just want to know, will I be ok? If I am by myself for the rest of my life, am I going to be alright?
See human nature has this funny little way of making companionship a biological need. Innate to survival. Subsequently, I have this place inside that feels a bit empty. Sometimes I try to fill it with food or coffee but it achingly remains open. If I accept that it will always remain empty, that I will always be me, myself and I, will it hurt less?
Because I guess that is the worst part. Hurting for something that is never going to happen.