My natural state

Is it a bad thing if happiness is not your natural state?

Happiness for me is hard. It is something I need to think about and put energy into. I can act happy or joyful, I can be social and gregarious, but my default is not this exuberant happiness. Am I miserable? No. I just don’t think I am naive; I have experienced too much and have probably been a bit broken. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know.

Life is a bitch. It is seriously hard for everyone, and I can’t fix it.

I have a lot of damage. I can’t fix it.

There is a lot if uncertainty in my life. I can’t fix it.

That leaves me feeling helpless. Useless. Out of control.

See why I might not reset back to happiness?

Now, I applaud those who can be in this constant state of joy; that amazes me. I also can experience happiness. I can experience enjoyment. I know what it feels like to feel blessed and amazed by the world. I don’t walk around with a grumpy face all of the time. I try to brighten up a room. I guess I am just not constantly “on.”

Maybe I just need to fake it until I make it, and if I don’t make it, fake it for others. Maybe someday I’ll default to happiness. Until then, I have to consciously choose it.

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