A Shell of a Person

Pain is something that I have experienced so often that I have come to regard it as a necessary evil in my life. Physical pain, emotional pain, self-inflicted pain- abuse and I have become very close over the years. Pain inflicted by a love is something I have been spared in my 21 years. Whatever the reason was, because I was too fat, too smart, too intimidating, too ugly, too emotionally unavailable, I did not experience what romantic love was until this year. It took 21 years for someone to see me as deserving and beautiful and desirable. 21 years for me to fall so fucking hard in love that now, after 21 years of being single, I cannot remember how to function without my love. Never did I fathom that the loss of the aforementioned love would hurt so much. This is a new pain. This is a real pain. And if I continue to feel like this, I don’t want 21 more years.

The only way I can describe heartbreak is feeling dead inside but still alive. Everyone sees you breathing. You still look the same, but you’re not. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest. The only person who can comfort you in this time of need is the person who did the ripping. It is a sick twist. You want to crawl into a ball.

The moments when the pain subsides play tricks on you. You feel anger and think you’re better off without them, making their flaws out to be absolutely horrific and the person undeserving of your love. This feels good.

Then you start to doubt and self-loathe, especially if you’re the one who pulled the trigger. Why did you dump them? You hurt them. You pushed them away. Your flaws were too much. You don’t deserve love and you sure as hell don’t deserve theirs. You deserve to be alone. You’re too hypercritical. You’re an ugly bitch. There is a reason you were alone for so long. This was your one shot and you blew it.

This roller coaster would not be complete unless you experienced numbness. This time allows for silent reflection. The memories you had with the person seem fake, like it was not even your life. If that person was “the one,” your soulmate, your future, then why the hell are they gone? You have questions and you get no answers.

As I sit here in a constant pain that has become all consuming, I wonder how I am going to move on. I have dealt with losing friends, fighting with family members, hating myself, feeling alone. I am used to that pain. I know what those wounds feel like and what they need in order to heal, even if only for a brief time. This pain though? This is unbearable. Especially if you fell hard, especially if this was your one true love.

There is no desire to do anything, to be anything, to feel anything good. There is no hope. Humans need companionship and intimacy and when you realize you’ll never get that again? Why try?

Your love is gone. Your other half has disappeared.

You are alone.

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