A Losing Game

It seems that Amy Winehouse’s song, Love is a Losing Game, is the truth.

You have two options when you enter into a relationship.

You can remain guarded and love from a distance, which keeps the relationship cold and inauthentic. You never get to lose yourself in someone else and experience the joy that true love brings. At the same time, if, or when, the relationship ends, you can go on being you. You kept your strong sense of sense and looked at the person as temporary anyway. It was fun while it lasted.

The other alternative is loving another person with everything that you are. This feels amazing. You are open and vulnerable and you allow a person to become your other half. You think you have found what has been missing. You now know why love is so hyped up. You feel on top of the world. But then that person is gone, and since you weren’t guarded, your whole world is rocked. How can you go on without an integral part of yourself? You feel shattered. You feel numb. You’ll never be yourself.

I don’t have much experience on the topic of relationships, but heartbreak is fucking awful in every sense, and I honestly do not know how people move on, or even enter future relationships after the fact.

When do you stop feeling like a zombie? Do you ever stop being cynical? Does it get better? Do you heal fully? Or are you like a broken bone that doesn’t set correctly, functioning averagely but never completely ok?

I need answers. I need a plan. I need to stop with the what ifs and focus on the what is. But I don’t want to. My heart is broken and I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care.

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