We are brainwashed into this idea of putting the you into unique. That being yourself is a beautiful thing. That no one is like you and that is incredible.
What if it isn’t? What if your individuality isn’t something to be proud of? To be celebrated?
I don’t self-deprecate for attention. I don’t do it for compliments. It is something that has become natural. If you lived my life, you would see that it was a necessary coping mechanism. 21 years later and I just can’t quit it. I hate myself more than I could ever hate anyone else, more than anyone could hate me. In the “dislike Hannah game” I will always win. I’ll dislike myself the most, every time.
Will I ever break away from this toxic, black bubble? Probably not. Does it matter anyway? If I was self-confident, if I was proud of myself, I would be seen as an arrogant bitch. Women aren’t supposed to be fulfilled on their own. Women should be unsure, characters seeking completion from other people, other things. We are taught to believe that we will never be enough as is.
Believe me when I say that I am not enough as is. I have no job, no love and have been stripped of any semblance of motivation or aspiration. Hear that, society? You win.
I’ll be in my bed if anyone needs me.