messy mess mess

When you are 5 years old, 21 years of age seems so far away. As a child you create these ideas of where you will be when you are older. You will be done with school. You will be beautiful and healthy. You will be in love. You will have a great job, great car, great house. You will be everything. Just keep growing up and you will get there.

I am not really close to what I thought I would be, and I have let down my 5 year old self.

After next week, I am done with being a student (I mean, I still have to walk in May, but I am done after finals). I have built so much of myself around the success I feel in the classroom and extracurricular activities. Now, it will be gone. No job is going to know how much work I did at Crown Point High School or Manchester University. To them, I am just another applicant. MU made me feel special. MU made me feel important.

What am I supposed to do?

I feel like my entire life is a mess.

I am nowhere where I wanted to be,

It is one thing to not have a career yet. It is another thing to be hopelessly, brokenly single. Its one more thing to be broke as dirt. The three combined? Awful.

Now, I know I sound whiny. But, it is frustrating beyond belief when you feel like you have continuously made the right decisions and are still so damn far away from the dream. It is pretty discouraging.

Why in God’s name did I think I would have my life together by the age of 21? Because, if I am being honest, I have never felt like more of a mess.

Unfortunately, I feel like a mess that will never be cleaned up.

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One thought on “messy mess mess

  1. ….You will be everything. Just keep growing up and you will get there…..even at 24 I still think that! I still think oneday I would be more beautiful……then one day I saw the pregnant women in my office; then I thought…this is definitely the slimmest and most beautiful you will ever be so wake up! Make use of your talents now b4 you get stuck in the rat race like everyone else!

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