erase me

There is nothing I hate more than memories.

You ever hear of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If not, the plot line consists of a girl erasing all memory of her ex. Crazy? yes. Understandable? absolutely.

Memories are a bitch. Its like they know that you’re hurting, so to be helpful they spruce up only the good memories and diminish the bad ones to limit additional pain. I think it is because your brain want to protect you and prevent you from rehashing traumatic experiences, but in my case, I need the bad. Constantly only remembering the good has me feeling regretful or full of mistakes. It leaves me feeling like I was the only one that wronged people because I can only remember the great things said ex-friend/boyfriend/acquaintance did. “How come I stopped being friends with this person? I remember them so fondly. I must have been the one that fucked up.” This spirals into me feeling like a shell full of bad decisions. Carrying that around is painful.

See my problem? Sweetening up the past is making me wish I was back there. And unless someone has a time travelling machine, it is impossible for me to get back to a prior situation. And no matter how hard I wish or hope, things will never go back to how they were.

Maybe there is a reason for it or maybe life just fucking blows sometimes and it will never make sense to me. Some things I will never know the answer to.

What I do know is that I need to move on. Move on from everything in my life that has shaped me but is also still wounding me.But moving on means letting go. Letting go of what my life was and could have been and should have been and that I am not ready for. I’m not ready to let go because maybe one day, they’ll realize that they messed up. They’ll realize that they had it so good. That I was worth it. That I am worth it.

So in case that day comes, I will hang on tightly to the past. I will continue to wait right here.

Wait for you to change your mind.

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