I have absolutely no desire to try and understand the heart. It wants what it wants, and it is so powerful that our entire soul and being builds around it.
For awhile now I have wanted to rip my heart out because its beating reminded me of everything that I did not have. It ached and ached and left me exhausted. But sometimes my brain and heart work together and bestow me with these vivid moments of clarity, clarity that makes me happy that I did not cut out my heart nor did someone else tarnish its ability to love and beat for others.
I do not always feel ok. I am a sensitive person, and I know that for the rest of my life I will struggle with the difficulty that comes with allowing your emotions to be all-consuming. But I feel the need to document these happy epiphanies for my sake, to remind me that no matter how volatile and unclear and unfair life can be, I am alive and I am good.
Every experience in my life has come with immense hardship, and I will never know why. I have been beaten down to the point where I seriously did not know if I was going to make it, or why I was even put on this Earth. I felt unnecessary, and maybe I am. Maybe we all are. But you are here. I am here, and I have yet to give up. I don’t know why people act the way they do. I don’t know why some people can’t grow together and instead grow apart; I am still growing though, and that means my heart still has a purpose. I have always picked myself up (or have had friends or family pick me up) and gone on. I can do it again. You can do it again. Humans aren’t porcelain. Instead, I think we grow more beautiful and more kind with every break and wound and scar. It means you have felt. You laughed hard. You loved hard. You hurt hard. You go all in with your emotions and it can be amazing and raw and painful but it is truly the only way to live.
Our hearts are weird.
Love is weird.
Life is weird.
And it is hard. IT IS SO FUCKING HARD.
But that will never change.
As soon as we accept that, as soon as I accept that, accept the things I cannot (nor maybe don’t want to) change, I’ll find even more peace. I’ll have more of these positive revelations. I’ll shine brighter. We will all shine brighter.