Now I am left with questions…

What do I want out of life?

Now that I am technically done with college, I have been thinking of this question a lot. What do I want to accomplish in my life? What are my hopes? My dreams? I spent so much time thinking of college and what I wanted to do while I was at Manchester. I wanted to be involved, leave a mark, make new friends, do well academically and find love. I did that. But now that is over and done with.

Somedays I wish that my love life would have played out differently and I had someone to plan a future with. I think we all crave companionship, and being in a relationship makes all of the gray area that comes with your early 20s more bearable. It seems safer to start a family ASAP because that is all we know as humans. I am on my own though, and I think it is for the best. I have a lot that I need to do by myself. I have been a pillar for others for too long, and I’ve been crumbling for awhile now. I am slowly rebuilding, and I will continue to help others, but the restoration is a one man job. Not to say that I am shutting myself off but I need to be around others that respect this and don’t criticize me for rough patches. Re-construction takes time and patience. Some people don’t quite get that.

So, I think I just want a life that allows me the chance to continue growing.

Career wise I am not sure what I will do. I do need to have a balance of team-work and alone time. I need to be allowed to be creative and independent and lead. I want to work hard and see my efforts pay off. Selfishly, I want to be appreciated.

I think I want a life where I continue to help others. I feel so deeply and being in a job where I am cold and isolated is a no no. I want to feel good when I go home from a long day.

I think I want a life in which I open myself back up to being loved. Life is no fun when you’re doing it alone, I have a great support system right now, and I think that as time passes, I would be willing to include a man in that support system. Just because I am independent does not mean I don’t need romance and love in my life. I have realized that I cannot plan this though. It will happen as it should, when it should.

This life I crave is in the outline phase, but I know it is going to come together nicely.

I crave and expect greatness. Greatness from myself and others. I don’t think I am aiming too high with this desire. I am a realist, and sometimes lean toward the half-empty side, but for some reason, I have to stay positive about where I am going to go in this life. I think my life is going to slowly reach my version of perfection.

I work too damn hard to expect or deserve anything else.

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