I am scared.
I am scared that I have put all of my eggs into a basket labeled “future” and that basket keeps being pushed further away.
“I’ll be happy when…” is a catchphrase.
But when is WHEN?
When I graduate high school, when I go to college, when freshmen year is over, when I get a new car, when I get a boyfriend, when I graduate, when I get a job….
The list goes on and on and I keep checking things off, but have yet to reach happiness.
What if I never do? And is it a destination?
I’ve heard over and over again that life wasn’t designed to be fun. If that’s the case, what is the point? And why are moments of joy so fleeting, but sadness embeds itself in you and sticks around forever, whether you like it or not?
I am fully aware that I am responsible for my mindset. That I have to be cognizant of good parts of my life. IT IS SO HARD THOUGH. How can I find my own happiness when I am constantly being compared and comparing myself to others? Will my happiness be enough? And if I find happiness, will my dreams for more just diminish because I am content? Like, if I find joy in my present scenario, will I ever desire to dream bigger? Because Lord knows that I loathe change.
I am scared.
Today in the grocery store, two things struck me.
First was a man skipping into the grocery store with his daughters. My heart burst. It was such an endearing moment, and I thought, I will be happy when I have that. A loving, family man that is not afraid to be silly. BUT- What if I never get that man? Or what if someone from my past was “that” man for me and I blew my shot? Will I be ok without it? Will I be ok with just me?
The second sight was this old man, all by himself, struggling to shop around in his scooter. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want those around me to get old. I don’t want to not be able to take care of myself. And most importantly, I don’t want to be 80 and look back on my life, full of regrets.
So, I am scared.
I am full of all of these uncertainties and sorrows and happinesses and stresses and loves and it is so confusing. Being in your twenties is so confusing! You never know if you’re doing it right. You never know if what you’re feeling is outlandish and odd or common and universal.
I guess that is life though. There is no guidebook. We are here and we live and it is not simple.
I just want it to be worth it.