It gnaws away at me.

No matter how many ways I try and distract myself, it always finds a way to plant itself in the front of my mind.

I play the scenes over and over again. I retrace the steps. I closely examine every decision.

I still cannot find an answer.

I’ve had no revelation. No overwhelming sense of clarity.

Instead, I have a pit in my stomach. A hole that I cannot fill.

It leaves me empty but my heart heavy.

I don’t know how to fix it.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll just get used to the missing sense of self. Maybe I’ll get answers.

Or maybe, I’ll realize I had the answers all along- that there are no answers. That there is no logical reasoning.

That it was never me.

It wasn’t my fault.

That would be the most bittersweet answer of all.


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