It gnaws away at me.
No matter how many ways I try and distract myself, it always finds a way to plant itself in the front of my mind.
I play the scenes over and over again. I retrace the steps. I closely examine every decision.
I still cannot find an answer.
I’ve had no revelation. No overwhelming sense of clarity.
Instead, I have a pit in my stomach. A hole that I cannot fill.
It leaves me empty but my heart heavy.
I don’t know how to fix it.
Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll just get used to the missing sense of self. Maybe I’ll get answers.
Or maybe, I’ll realize I had the answers all along- that there are no answers. That there is no logical reasoning.
That it was never me.
It wasn’t my fault.
That would be the most bittersweet answer of all.