There are so many things I feel that I need to say, but I don’t know how to say them. Or maybe I do, but I don’t want the world to think I am a miserable person. Because for some reason, it seems that someone in touch with their emotions (even if 2/3 of those emotions are negative), is a person that must be depressed and therefore must be judged heavily.
I want to tell you that I may be depressed, but I also can feel happiness. It isn’t as easy to write about joy though because it isolates people. It is much easier to like or feel for a person going through a rough time than it is to be happy for someone else. That is pretty fucked up, isn’t it? I truly believe we live in such a self-centered world that humans feel better about themselves when other humans are failing. If I write about my sadness, it is more well-received because then people can go “at least I am doing better than Hannah…” If I would have written posts when I was in love and felt on top of the world and had only talked about how great it was to feel adored and cared for, it would have been seen as annoying or obnoxious. I don’t think the majority of people root for the success of other people, and I do not believe I am being “bitter” or “cynical” by saying this; I just think our country puts too much emphasis on SELF success, not group success. It is a very ME ME ME society we live in, and too much discussion of one’s achievements is seen as bragging BUT, I guess too much discussion of one’s life issues can be seen as whining and bitching.
So, I guess you really cannot win.
You are going to have far more people who don’t support you than the amount of people you do, and that is super unfortunate. And sometimes, the people you thought supported you will leave because it is too hard for them to deal with the feelings of another human, because it is really hard to be empathetic. But, it is also really worth it.
Anyway, trying to get back on topic, the point of all of that was to try and express to myself and those who read this blog why I have not been posting nearly as much as I would like. I have not been posting because I fear what others will think about what I am saying. It is stupid to worry so much about other’s opinions, but it is unavoidable. I want to be real but I do not want to be looked down upon for my realness. I want to be authentic but I don’t want my posts to get too heavy that others feel they cannot breathe under the weight of all of my baggage. I don’t want others to think I am some hopeless case.
I swear to God I am worth it.
I truly feel that I am worth whatever work you have to put into a relationship with me.
It is not my fault that I have been dealt some shitty cards.
It is not my fault that, regardless of past experiences, I have very idealistic dreams for my career and my love life and my future.
So, it is not my fault that this current passion-less state I am in is making me bitter and angry.
I want more. I want more out of my life. And I don’t think that makes me a miserable person. I think it makes me a dreamer. I think that feeling sadness and hate is a good thing because it shows me what I do NOT want. It shows me how to better myself.
So, you might judge me for being so open about my sadness and raw emotions, but I am not going to ever change that. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am an open person. You might not get it, you might not understand and that is fine. But you have no fucking right to judge me or criticize me for it.
Because, while it is hard as hell to feel everything, it is so much better than being a robot. All I ask is that you show me some sheer human decency and bear with me.