be ok

I wish I could put into words what I am feeling because then I would know that I am going to be ok. What I have encroached upon is uncharted territory, and I don’t know what to do. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher told me I was very empathetic- that’s why stories we would read in class would effect me so greatly and why I talked to every classmate I had. I know that I have let my empathy get the best of me, but feeling everything instead of feeling nothing has been a risk worth taking. Right now I don’t feel for anyone. I don’t feel for myself. I have become the exact opposite of what I have been forever. I have become apathetic. I feel hollow. I feel void of everything. That should be a good thing, right? At least I am not feeling heartbreak or sadness? This numbness wasn’t the antidote that I thought I needed. Instead, I feel like I am barely existing. Maybe I just need to get used to the transition that comes from leaving your alma mater, but I am not loving where I am at. I have always struggled emotionally, but at least at MU I felt that I mattered. That I was making a difference. Right now, I don’t feel like I am impacting anyone. I have no zest for life because I am not doing anything  significant or of any intrinsic value. I just feel like this shell. I feel like I could just float away and it wouldn’t matter. I hate it. As an idealist, I hate this blandness. I want passion. I want to feel needed and loved and like I am someone’s world and that I matter, and right now I truly feel as if I am of no asset to the world around me. How do I fix that? How do I make myself useful? How can I make myself necessary? Because maybe if I can do that, if I can convince others that I am good and useful and important, I’ll believe that I am. And then maybe, I will finally be ok. I will finally be down with this constant struggle and I can just live and be me and be fulfilled. Isn’t that what we all want?

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