I honestly don’t know where to begin.
I have been trying to forget all of adulthood’s problems with binge-watching sessions of Mad Men, but I can’t ignore it anymore- If I am the pot, my issues are the water, and it is boiling over the edges, pouring into everything around me. My concerns have now demanded my attentions, and I can’t sweep them under the rug anymore.
For the longest time, I have given my mom the hardest time for her poor decision making skills. It seems that she has never been able to just be impulsive and follow her heart. It has always driven me crazy. Countless times, I have wanted to shake her and yell- DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. From the outside, it seemed like the simplest thing in the world- do what YOU want to do.
Well imagine my dismay when I woke up and realized, I am the same way. I AM MY MOTHER.
I guess it is one of life’s inevitabilities that our personality traits are extremely similar to our parents’. It isn’t something we cannot avoid because it is woven into our genetics. It is science. It has to happen.
dammit dammit dammit
My mother (who I love so very dearly) has passed on the horrendous trait of thinking with your brain instead of your heart.
Now, why is this an issue? On the surface it seems like an amazing quality to have, and sometimes it is great. Thinking with my brain has allowed me a great academic career with no criminal record. But sometimes it is the worst. This issue of listening to your brain and not your heart tends to lead to complacency. It leads to always making the safe choice. It leads to blocking out your passions because your brain tells you diving into something new is absolutely insane. Familiarity becomes your safety blanket, slowly cocooning you up until you forget that following your dreams is even a viable option.
This characteristic of my mother’s (and now an admitted characteristic of myself) negates everything a 22 year old’s life is supposed to be- chaotic, risky, dangerous, passionate, adventurous, and lively.
It makes me over analyze everything. It makes me think that “good enough” is enough for me. It leads to a life of doing things that others dictate as good instead of what you deem worthy.
This quality has created a life that is good but not great. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. Technically, I cannot complain, but I want to. I want to scream that the fire inside of me is dying and if I don’t go balls to the wall and do something crazy I am going to lose it!
I am so torn though. I feel too obligated to people who wouldn’t feel the same about me. I feel far too comfortable being safe. But I am 22! Is “safe” how I want to describe my early 20s? Do I want to wake up in 60 years full of nothing but regrets? I have no one to worry about but me- shouldn’t I embrace this? And, if I embrace it and do indeed fail, is that the worst thing in the world?
Do what you want to do.
That phrase keeps popping into my head, and it should be the easiest mantra to abide by.
But why isn’t it? Why is it so hard to just do what I want??