So a couple of weeks ago I posted the announcement on my blog that I resigned from my first professional job in order to follow my dreams and move to Chicago. I talked about seizing the moment and living the life you always wanted. I talked about being risky and being fearless. I said I want to make my own happiness.
But, I am scared.
I am so beyond scared of what lies ahead.
I know I graduated in December, but it still hasn’t felt real until now. I still live in Manchester with my best friend. I still live near all of my classmates. I still use the school gym. My routine hasn’t really changed. But we walk this Sunday. We will put on our cap and gowns and then in 2.5 hours our college career will come to an end. I will move out of North Manchester and that will be it. I will never again live with my bestie, I will never again go to the local restaurant for half-price apps, I will never again get to help with Welcome Week, and I will never again get to embrace the college student lifestyle. You could say that I am having a hard time letting go.
Don’t get me wrong, I am excited for commencement. But I am so worried about what the word commencement actually means- “a beginning or a start.” New beginnings are so daunting. It was daunting 4 years ago when I started college, but I did it and built a great life around me filled to the brim with great people. I found my purpose and did well.
I don’t know if I have it in me to do it again.
When I was 18, I told myself I would not leave college in the state I am- job-less, apartment-less, and boyfriend-less.
I am all of those things.
And now I am so full of regret and embarrassment.
What if I can’t find a place in the city? When am I going to hear back from one of the 677 jobs I’ve applied for? What if I don’t ever hear back from any of them? Am I going to die alone? Ugh, do I have to go to these weddings this summer because I am a HOT MESS? Wait- do they have open bars?
Am I going to have to get a job at McDonald’s because I was an idiot and decided to try and follow my dreams?
So many questions. So much uncertainty.
Underclassmen- stay in school forever. And I’ll see you when you order that late night Big Mac.