just another statistic

I never thought that I would be sitting here, on a Thursday afternoon, as a college grad who is jobless and is interviewing later today to be a waitress.

I always knew that it was a possibility seeing that 12% of college grads are jobless, but I never thought that I would fall into that category.

But here I am, unemployed and looking for jobs in which I’ll be underemployed.

And I am mad. Mad at myself. Mad for thinking that if I believed hard enough that I would achieve my dreams of city life and having a job I love. Mad that I didn’t major in something with a bit more job security. Mad that at 22 I don’t have the resources to take care of myself. Mad that I didn’t stick it out at my old job and just dealt with all of the problems it created for me.

And I am sad. I am sad that I busted my ass at MU and now it clearly means nothing. Sad that apparently I am not good enough for any employer. Sad that I am not in a place financially where I can just say, “screw it” and figure it out as I go. Sad that being idealistic and thinking that I deserved and earned a good future has made me even more upset in my stagnant state.

But most of all, I am embarrassed. I thought that if I talked a big game, I would speak my dreams into existence. That if I said what I wanted and write down what I wanted and hoped for what I wanted, that the universe would align itself for me.

But who was I kidding?

I am nothing special. There are thousands of college grads way better than me that come from families with resources and connections whereas I am a mere, insignificant blip.

All I have ever wanted since I was a kid was a job that I loved. It didn’t have to pay millions, I didn’t have to have a Porsche or a vacation home- all I wanted was a job that made others feel good and made me feel good.

I didn’t think that was too much to ask for. I didn’t think it was selfish. I didn’t think it was unrealistic.

I am finding out that I was so, so wrong.

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