When?

When I started this blog my freshman year of college, I didn’t really know what it would become. I just knew how much I loved reading blogs, how much I loved writing, and how I needed an outlet. While some people make a career out of creating a fashion-centered blog or a healthy living blog, it seems that mine has just become my own public diary- a place for me to confess my fears and sadnesses and joys. It might get annoying to some, or maybe it helps others feel less alone. I’m not sure. All I know is that writing how I feel is sometimes the only way for me to relax and cleanse my mind. So, if you are reading this, thanks for not judging and welcome to my mind.

Currently, my mind has been going down roads that have left me feeling less than. To fix this, I started reading a book about how to live a more grateful life. And for a day, I felt very enlightened. I have a roof over my head, friends and my health. It’s all good, right?

Wrong.

Now, that is not to say I am not thankful for those things, because I am. But I want more, and I am sick and tired of waiting.

I have heard time and time again that “the right man/job/life will come along” because “I deserve it.” It is out there, “I just have to wait.” But, is it? Do I deserve it? What makes me special? I look around and I see my friends with the loves of their lives, I see friends achieving their goals, and me? I am stagnant. I have none of that. Even sadder? I don’t even know what I want. I feel like I have waited so long for my life to happen to me that slowly my drive and passion have been stripped away and now I feel stuck. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I am sitting here like a bump on a log. I HATE it.

How do I get to a place where I am appreciated and adored and important? I try to be positive and thankful  but that question keeps me up at night. When will I matter? When will I make a difference? When will I prove to the world that I needed to be here on this planet?

I guess all I can do is what everyone has told me to do- be patient. But how long should one have to wait? And what more can I do to be different and make the one life I have a great one?

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