Usually I have turned to writing in my darkest times to help me cope, but in these past couple of months, that was not the case. These last few days I have felt the need to spill my guts though, so I am going to try and power through. I might be rusty, I might be scatter brained, I might have lost my desire to write, but I guess you’ll just have to bear with me as I try and get back on track.
So in the last week of August, I started my job working in the student life department at a school in Chicago, which combined 2 of my goals- to get back working in student activities AND work in the city I always dreamed of working in. The weekend prior to my start date was spent in the hospital, where my granny was admitted for low potassium levels. We thought it was no big deal, and I went to start my new career shaken but not worried. While I was busy plugging away at work and exhausting myself with a long commute and worrying about making friends, my granny was not getting better, she was getting worse. She was eventually readmitted the following weekend, and that’s when we knew it was something serious. Let me preface this by saying my granny was never sick and never went to the doctor and I never felt the need to worry about here; I naively thought that she would just be around forever. Unfortunately, no one lives forever though, and we found out she had stage 4 cancer on the same day our 14 year old cat died unexpectedly, reiterating the fact that humans really have no clue what life holds.
A mere 2 and a half weeks later, my granny was gone; I was sleeping 2 feet away from her when she died in her sleep. All I could think about was how sickening it was that the rest of my life was starting while hers was ending. That here I was, living out my dreams, not knowing if she ever truly fulfilled what she wanted out of life.
And now, it is all bittersweet. I moved to Chicago this past weekend which has been my goal since I was little, but it breaks my heart knowing that my granny will never get to see me do it. And now I don’t even know if it was the right decision to make. I never doubted that I wanted to live here, but leaving my mom so soon after she lost her mom seems like the selfish thing to do. My judgement is foggy. I feel like my path is very unclear. I don’t know what I want and don’t have the energy to figure it out, but at the same time feel like I need to be grateful for what I have and live every moment to the fullest. I guess that is what grief is though- just a huge cloud of uncertainty.
So, now I am here. In a whole new city. With a whole new family structure supporting me. A new, unfillable void in my heart.
And I truly do not know how to feel.